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this post was submitted on 12 Dec 2023
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Asklemmy
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To be nice or friendly with kids.
As a man (I know starting a sentence that way can also be a red flag), I'm always nervous when kids interact with me.
It feels like I'm being judged harshly for just wanting to be friendly and that I could so quickly be accused of being a pervert or worse.
So I just don't interact with them.
My policy as a recently new father will also probably be that I won't have my daughter's friends over when I'm the only adult present.
Get this: my friend is "not allowed" to be left alone with his daughter. His own daughter. If wife needs to go out without baby, baby gets dropped off at grandparents (wife's parents) instead of just staying home with dad. What's even more ridiculous is his profession is early childhood educator. He's more qualified than most other parents out there, male or female. I don't know how he puts up with being insulted like that.
That's actually disgusting. Does he want it like this for some reason? Is there something in the past? Or is it just "penises will rape, that's what they do"?
I don't know how he puts up with it, but I do know why. He was alone since he was a teen, and now his wife and in-laws are his only family. His dream has always been having a family and community. He'll bend over backwards to please his in-laws. It's unfortunate they treat him like that, and while his wife is sweet, she's a pushover and doesn't stand up for him.
Why the in-laws are like that? I don't know.
Projection. Definitely projection. Makes me trust them a lot less & I'm scared for that little girl.
I can only speak for myself, but one of my problems is that since a kid I’ve been going along with people to avoid conflict.
What this means is that when someone else views me as dangerous or untrustworthy, I automatically play along and treat myself as dangerous.
It’s only been in the past few months that I’ve become aware of this and started shutting it down. I’m in my 42nd year right now.
It feels so much better to treat myself as the person I know myself to be. But these masks we put on in early childhood are easy to mistake for our own faces.
He’s probably been trained to expect heavy punishment for standing up for himself
That's beyond insulting, I'd call that a controlling / abusive relationship. And if his wife seriously thinks he's a risk to their child why the fuck would she have a baby with him and stay with him? That poor kid is going to grow up with a really damaging view of men, male / female relationships, and parental relationships.
Of course it makes little sense that he would go along with this. But why in god's name would she want to stay married to someone she doesn't trust with his own children?
I HAVE been accused of being a pervert, once, and it was fucking weird
Was at the store and some kid walked up to me thinking I was my dad (works at a local school and we look a lot alike, have the same name even)
Told the kid nah, that he had mistaken me for my dad, and then suddenly his mom appears and grabs the kid while telling me to "stay away from her kid you long haired freak"
Again, I look like my dad (he also has long hair) to the point of this kid mistaking me for him, yet I was still some random creep to this lady
People stop seeing normal human dudes in public once a kid is around and it can really suck sometimes
I had the cops called on me for taking my own kids to the park.
I'm sorry for this. I adore seeing men being fathers, being positive adults in the lives of children. my own dad was more absent than not, but my grandfathers taught me a lot about how to be a decent human being, how to have relationships with others.
please don't be absent for your daughter just because too many people have forgotten men are also capable of being nurturing adults for children.
Yup. On the one hand he’s got the avoidance of conflict with people who distrust him. And on the other hand he has his daughter’s wellbeing. I hope he chooses to accept the conflict in order to be present for his daughter.
What kind of society or culture considered being friendly towards children a red flag? Spoken as both a father of two and former child: you can be friendly to children without being a creep.
Spoken as a non-father it’s not so easy.
I accept the risk because I refuse to participate in a system that cuts off kids from the adults around them, but I know that when I talk to a child I’m almost certainly going to be seen as a pedophile for it.
I was going for just being nice and helpful.