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this post was submitted on 20 Dec 2023
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Ask Lemmy
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Small talk. Not sure why but it's incredibly difficult for me to initiate a small talk or make it flow nicely from one topic to another. It's a reason i find myself resisting the idea of dating or simply went out to socialise, or even talk to my neighbours. The anxiety always there.
FORD. Family, occupation, recreation, dreams. If you know the FORD of a person after meeting them for the first time chances are they will want to talk to you again. They just spent 20 minutes telling you about the 4 most important things for them and you actively listened. Of course they are going to want to be around you, you not only gave them attention they felt comfortable telling you information. Which gets retroconned. They didn't trust you and then tell you, they told you therefore they must have trusted you.
Don't bother with weather or whatever the local sports ball team did last night against the opposing sports ball team.
One big problem I have with getting to know new people is these questions are often reciprocated to one another. And when people ask me the same questions, they get to know exactly how pathetic and empty my life is. I try to avoid the questions but it just makes me uncomfortable because there often is no easy out.
I don't have hobbies or passions to talk about. When I get home from work, I literally do nothing but veg out on the couch all evening, mindlessly scrolling on things like YouTube or Lemmy. I don't have a significant other or children or pets or friends to talk about. And I don't like people knowing this stuff about me until we've gotten close to one another. My life is so pathetic and embarrassing that it makes this stuff really tricky.
I was at the dentist office around Halloween, and there was an old lady in the waiting room with me. She was a small talker and I learned something from this exchange.
"Oh, don't their decorations look cute!"
"Yes, I love Halloween!"
"Oh, yes, all the kids in their cute costumes. Do you have children?"
"Yes but they are older now, youngest in high school "
It was like she had practiced for a long time, wasn't like she was intrusive or pushy, just light conversation, and it is a SKILL not a talent. You can do it. Look around and comment on something. Practice.
Also find people who don't need the silence filled, people who like to just sit with you and not talk, not everyone needs that small talk - I think it's fun but don't need it, am comfortable with silence too. Just remember it's a skill you can learn, like cooking. You can even learn to enjoy it if you don't feel like it's mandatory.