Do I just need to embrace the game as a simulation of being an incompetent alcoholic jackass?

Yes

But to be real here: If you just can't find yourself enjoying failing in those ways, no matter what you try to do about your mindset, which is fair, you could look into cheating your stats. The saves are editable and there are guides online, and it might give you the opportunity to actually finish a playthrough (and maybe from that on be able to enjoy it "vanilla" in subsequent playthrough to find more stuff).

And lastly, even the worst games will have people enjoying them, and the best ones will have people not being able to get into them. For example, I respect Fromsoft games a heck of a lot, but I couldn't get into any of them at all.