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this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2024
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chapotraphouse
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I never really paid for any of it; most of it was on my parents dime when I was a child and they were trying to 'fix' me. There's a 25 year gap where I had great insurance and thought i didn't need help (just alcohol, drugs, women) so didn't see anyone. Then i got incredibly depressed, couldn't get out of bed, lost my job and got on medicaid. Medicaid has been covering my therapy across 3 states for the last 7 years. After getting fired as a patient by a first year counselor his boss suggested i try to get into the trauma center and after an 8 month wait i got the first actual help in my life.
Almost all the other therapists would get utterly hung up on suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts even when i explained to them that they were managed. they just couldn't hear me and because that was all they would focus on nothing ever progressed. I tried lying but it's hard to build a connection and trust that way.
My trauma therapist, like, treats it like no deal. Which to me it isn't, the thoughts have been there for decades and i'm not going to act on them. When I mention them she doesn't focus on them at all and subsequently I was able to get better.
When we first started doing sessions years ago it would literally be me pretty much ugly crying for most of the hour. Couple years before I made it through a session without crying.
At our last session I was laughing, joking, happy, thriving, and crying but they were joyful tears.
It took me over 40 years to get the help I needed and many black nights and many empty fifths but i'm still here baby and I'm living my best life now! Don't give up!