You're not dumb, you're just being abused. And you're definitely right that you don't deserve it. Even if there's no clear solution now, keep that in mind and don't let anyone else devalue you.
Thanks for the kind words.
Sounds like you need to get out of there and you need to start assuming that you need backup/witnesses for all interactions with the abuser
Whether or not the cops arrest you depends entirely on how they are approached. Unfortunately, they vary from town to town and maybe even shift to shift.
Thankfully, the police probably aren't the only option available.
If your domestic partner is violently abusing you, you are a victim of domestic violence. There are social services in virtually any country where it's not legal to just slap your spouse, to help stop the slapping to stop. Places to start looking:
All of the above should either have someone they can refer you to, or be able to help you themselves. If you have a lawyer on retainer you definitely should call them first, and if you have decent health care your GP doctor or an urgent care should be able to check how badly you're hurt and document the violence.
If all else fails, go to your local police department and tell them you want to report a crime. Or just leave and crash with family or a friend.
If your partner hits you and tells you that you'd be arrested if you call the cops on them, they are telling you that they will do it again and lie about it.
Thank you for the heartfelt comment. It means a lot. It may have not meant much when you were typing, but it means a bunch.
One, yes, you are more likely to be arrested even if you’re the one who calls.
You need to walk. Especially from an abuser who is threatening to leverage the police against you. It’s time to go.
Get to planning the divorce. Sorry.
Thankfully not married just engaged, but definitely glad in that aspect I guess. She's normally kind, but she just has a switch that flips and nothing stands in her way of being terrible after that.
Please promise me you won't go through with that marriage. I wasted 15 years being married to someone I want compatible with because I was afraid. Of what? I don't know, because everything has been MUCH better since I got out.
It's a whole lot easier if you never make it legal.
Thanks for the advice, I'll try to do you a favor and ping you in 6 months and let you know I followed through
I mean she's an alcoholic. Up to you in the end.
Do me a favor, meet me back here in a year and I can promise you I'll be more than a year sober. I am not drinking right now, and I definitely will not touch anything after this for a while to ensure I never say something stupid. I don't smoke weed, and I quit smoking cigarettes in November. I was vaping to help me avoid them, but I'll drop that as well. Im 35, I don't need it.
I was just pointing out her behavior not yours. But doing what you describe should make it easier to see her more clearly. Obviously she's going to get apoplectic if you break it off. Good luck. I've been divorced twice and there's life after.
I understand. Just trying to make sure I keep myself out of any situation that I could logically avoid. Sorry if that came across wrong mate
My step father was (is) an alcoholic. Perfectly pleasant in public/sober, but a terror while drinking. Big man, could kill a 30 pack of Busch mostly in one night. Never physically abusive to my mother or her kids, but verbally, it never ended. Took my mother way too long to divorce him.
I say this because the good times don't overwrite the bad. I've heard that drinking didn't change people, it just reveals who they really are. Just keep yourself safe.
My ex has done nearly the exact same thing. It wasn't a phone she hit me with though.
Well last big event left a bleeding claw mark (March 2024) over my ear and when the officers asked about it I told them I'd never say she did something.... Probably a mistake.
I got arrested for that. Her dad picked me up from jail. She went through similar situations with her mother before she passed. Whether her dad understands or not, I'm not sure, but if your mother calls the police for assault multiple times on a child, and it happens with anyone else she is reliant on, I imagine he knows but has to be a good father.
(Charges were dismissed by the judge of course, as all evidence was I was attacked, and they arrested me because I was the guy)
As someone who’s been in this kind of relationship before, it’s strange how blind we are to it while it’s still happening. But once it ends, it suddenly becomes clear that it was the right decision - and we realize we’d probably known that deep down for years.
Wow. I'm so sorry. What country? Is leaving an option? Counseling?
U.S. Tennessee. Already wound up in jail once when she attacked me on the front porch last March. She's on the lease, so when she left for months and came back, I haven't found a way out yet. She pays no rent, so most places it would have been logical they'd side with me but Tennessee, apparently not
Dude... You are OK ruining your life because it will fuck up your credit? Man gtfo. Better to have shit credit for a while.
Shes done it once. Thats enough to know its a possibility. She's done it twice, thats enough to know its not an accident. She is going to do it again. Her mom could a told you that.
Hope it doesnt sound like I'm chastizing but your priorities are goofy. You are fixing to marry this person who ghosted you and beat you and had you arrested. Run. Even if it hurts your credit.
Nah, what you are saying is fair. The part that wasn't stated on my end was that affording to pay a down payment and rent on a new place while sorting everything out here just wasnt in any kind of monetary situation. Rent would be around 1600 minimum plus 1,600 down. Conglomerating let alone hiding 3,200 dollars is extremely hard on my budget. (,not saying sticking to budget is what I'd do, I'm saying if I forced it, I couldn't make it I any way right now)
It gets easier when you dont pay your lease. Use your rent money to gtfo and let her worry about her.
Then I'd say it's time for you to find a new place. Look into some sort of counseling or support group for yourself. Maybe alanon (ok maybe not ideal, we work with what tools are available at the moment) until something else is in place, or maybe works for you.
I'm bad at kind words so forgive me for their absence here
My friend was in a similar situation and unfortunately was married with kids. I said "was" because they're finally divorced now.
She wasn't physically abusive when they were dating but she got close and I regret not telling him the same thing:
Call your engagement off and run. You don't want the life that it will bring. Do it sooner than later.
It will suck for awhile but the short term pain of leaving is nothing compared to the long term pain of staying.
You can't fix her. And that's not your fault
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