Comedian Mitch Hedberg
Source - https://worldwideinterweb.com/funny-quotes-from-famous-comedians-gallery/
"I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this."
R.I.P. Mitch
My absolute favorite joke of his wasn't even a real joke.
Apparently Mitch was checking into a hotel and the receptionist asked for a credit card. Mitch being the guy he was he didn't have a credit card. So he pulls out a big wad of cash and says "Nah man this will cover it". So the receptionist is like "No sir, I need a credit card". Mitch's reaction was priceless. Apparently he replied "Nah man, this is what the card represents. That would be like if you hired a Frank Sinatra impersonator and the real Frank Sinatra showed up and you were like, 'Nah we're gonna go with the impersonator'"
I forget who told that story but it always makes me laugh hard.
Beautiful. Someone had to make a documentary. It's on my bucket list.
Patrice O'Neal had a great joke that was kind of the opposite of this.
George Costanza's over-stuffed wallet. Now I'm thinking that man knew stuff.
I have expensed a donut
Short-Term Capital Gains and Losses use Schedule D Form 1040 part 1
Yeah, grand theft Donut's a real life ruiner of a sentence.
On a serious note, it happens to me often. We're a small crew of field service employees, and our meals are covered when we'reout and about, so when it's my time to get lunch, I need the receipt, and sometimes it lists donuts.
On an even more serious note, that font really gives me a dyslexic attack. And I don't even have dyslexia.
Per diem is the first thing I thought of.
That's usually what I do, but because of some bureaucratic reason I never understood, some projects don't allow per diem, so we have to provide specifics instead.
Yeah eating on expenses this is needed
I concur, that font the website uses are random.
A friendly heads-up... I am finding a couple more of my favorite comedians with quotes. And the fonts again, out of my control. I will try to avoid the most visually itchy ones.
What a terrible font...
A friendly heads-up. I am finding a few more of my favorite comedian's with quotes. I'll do my best to avoid the visually itchy ones.
Right?
Suppose you walked out of the donut shop and were accused of theft. Then the receipt would come in handy.
If you’re accused of a crime that happened across town while you were at the donut shop, you could prove that you were at the donut shop (and not at the scene of the crime) when the crime occurred.
Aside from those two scenarios, that’s pretty much the only reasons you’d need a receipt for a donut.
The receipt proves that someone bought a donut but it doesn't prove that you bought the donut.
Imagine a scenario where someone buys a donut then heads across town. They commit a crime while their accomplice buys another donut. Then they swap receipts. They now have "proof" that they were at the donut shop at the time of the crime and may even be able to get the cashier to testify that they did indeed sell that person a donut that day.
Most receipts have the card number printed on them one way or another. So unless it was a cash transaction they could still prove it was you.
So just swap cards too?
A lot of ~~department~~ big box stores ask to see receipts when you leave.
And you can just walk right past them without doing so, they can't do shit about it
So not really useful in that scenario either
They can call the police for theft. I'd rather give them a receipt then deal with the police.
Costco can because you signed an agreement
Walmart and similar can't and won't, just ignore them
Yes, Walmart can call the cops on suspected shoplifters. They even have their own security force to prevent shoplifting
Not showing the receipt is not good enough cause to call the cops for suspected shoplifting
This is very easy to Google and find out
If they ask for it and you don't have it then that would look suspicious.
No, it doesn't. You're not obligated to stop and show anything to them (again unless it's Costco or similar and you've signed an agreement)
Source: literally haven't shown a receipt for anything in over 5 years. Walked right out of Walmart with a TV in hand one day, even. Still never had the cops called
Oh, and again, just Google it ffs
Did they ask and you refused to show it? Or did they never ask?
Both at varying points in the many years I've done it. They can ask and I just say nah and walk past, they don't fuckin care either
Again, this is all a simple Google search away so you can have more than one random person's testimony at hand
Thank you, gentleman. That lots of good information.
(thread is deep, to keep site rule 1 intact, thread comments below this are to be redacted)
What kind of department stores are you shopping in that have donut shops in the middle of them? And do you think they’d actually try to enforce a receipt check for a donut that you’ve already eaten and they have no way of knowing you bought (unless they watched you buy it, in which case they already know you paid for it.)
Lastly, unless the store has some sort of membership program (like Costco or Sam’s Club) then you don’t actually have to stop for the receipt check. They can’t legally stop you from leaving, because it’s kidnapping if they try to stop you and you haven’t stolen anything.
Costco and Walmart both sell donuts and ask for receipts. I don't know if they would actually check for a small purchase but you never know.
This is the most productive argument I've ever had.
Which is really just the first scenario (walking out of the donut shop and being accused of theft) in a trench coat. That scenario has already been covered, so my original “that’s pretty much the only two reasons” statement still applies.
OK, and I'm agreeing with you on that, but I think that those two reasons are important enough to be worth getting a receipt.
Costco has the donut's ultimate evolution: the churro
A churro is a donut
A churro is actually closer to a funnel cake, as you start with a choux paste which is piped into oil. Donuts are traditionally leavened with yeast before being deep fried.
Leavening is not that important when you're talking about pastries. I would put churros, funnel cake and doughnuts all into the same family.
Leavening is incredibly important when talking about pastries. It's what makes a cronut a cronut and not a donut
A Cronut is a doughnut
You're an absolute madman and I respect that
Me, I probably would have used my receipt to wipe the powdered sugar off to the side of my desk in a neat line and forget to clean it up-- What's that officer? Yes I was here, but left to deposit large sums of cash to the bank befoe closing-- Drugs?! I don't do drugs. Cocaine, wait a minute, is that the stuff that keeps you up, makes you all wirey and really really skinny?
{ Lifts shirt }
COP: Sweet jesus. A beer gut like that needs decades to develop.
😋
Reimbursement for travel expenses.
If this is a real Mitch joke, it's one of the weaker ones.
The post title one was my own. I should make time to find and watch his sets. Man is legend and I've never heard many of his material.
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