Friends don't call each other subhuman wastes of space. If someone starts seriously thinking of someone else as that, they aren't friends. In fact it sounds like something you think about someone you hate.
Sounds like a terrible friend. You should get some new ones.
No, it's not. Your friend sound like an ass.
That doesn't sound like a friend. And they're abusing you more with the victim blaming bullshit and the name calling.
They're an abuser.
She also blamed me for talking to the guy when I was 12 and a young adult man tried to date me (20M)
I remember when I was around that age, and a couple of my friends had "boyfriends" who were much older than them. In particular, I remember how me and all my other friends thought it was so cool to be dating someone so much older. Remembering that I held this view makes me feel sick, but we were young and didn't know better. And that's what predatory adults who try to "date" children know and rely on.
Some people do such ridiculous mental gymnastics to blame children for the predatory acts of adults, and it is bullshit. You are not to blame for the appalling actions of other people.
Are there people in your life you can trust that don’t offend you?
This sounds rough, the “friend” has major red flags all over for being dangerously toxic.
You will need support from people that actually care.
Try to find safe spaces if you don’t have any, public library could be an option to find a new social hangout, don’t tell your “friend”.
Friends support each other, she is no friend to you.
Tell her to fuck off and go get some better friends.
It was not your fault. I'm sorry that this person said that to you, because I am 100% sure that it was bullshit and a supremely unkind thing to say to a person.
Sometimes, survivors of awful things will try to rationalise what happened, and try to think about things they could have done differently (I'm speaking from personal experience here, but this is widely documented). It can feel comforting in a way, because it can give a sense of power, and a sense that it's possible to protect oneself in future. Unfortunately, this is, in the long term, not a helpful approach. Even if there are theoretically things that a person could have done that might have prevented some of their abuse, that still doesn't make it their fault. The only people who are at fault are the people who do and say awful things — including this person (who is not deserving of your friendship if they would be so cruel). I don't know whether you have noticedyourself doing this kind of rationalisation, but I describe it to highlight how common it is for people to spiral into self doubt and self blame, when the blame lies solely with the people who perpetrate abuse.
Perhaps this person was doing some rationalisation of her own — sometimes people are so uncomfortable with the awfulness that people are capable of that they explain it away, which can result in victim blaming, like what she did to you. Regardless, there is no excuse to speak to another person as she did to you.
Something that I have found helpful in the past when struggling with things that people have said to me is to imagine myself saying those same cruel things to a dear friend. Even imagining it makes me feel sick, and this is helpful because it reminds me that these things are not okay to say to anyone. Another variant is imagining how I would comfort a friend if someone else had said these things to them and they were hurting from it. This strategy is useful to calibrate my sense of what's okay or not, because I find it hard to show myself compassion, and sometimes my negative self talk is filled with awful stuff that I would never dream of saying to another person. It takes work to remind ourselves that we did not deserve the cruelty we faced, and that we deserve compassion and respect.
Try to keep reminding yourself of this as often as is needed. It takes work, but I think it can be useful to think about healing from abuse as being similar to rehabilitating a physical injury. It takes time, and it is also much harder to heal if you are unable to find a safe space in which to recover. It sounds like you are feeling betrayed by your "friend", and rightfully so — our friends should be a part of how we build a safe space in which to process our trauma and heal, and she chose to behave disgustingly (this is not hyperbole — I am literally disgusted by her actions).
You did not do anything wrong. You did not deserve the abuse and bullying that you experienced, nor did you deserve to be blamed for things that were not your fault.
On a more positive note, I want to say that I'm really proud of you for posting here. I know that you're full of so much hurt and self doubt that you don't know what to believe, but I would wager that you came here to ask for advice because something in you knew that what she said was not okay. I want you to dig deep and find the part of you that brought you here and nurture it; allow it to grow and to guide you, because that is the part that is telling you that you deserve care and safety, and it is right.
Grow a back bone and learn some self respect. That's not a friend.
I am looking for mods!
1. The "good" part of our community means we are pro-empathy and anti-harassment. However, we don't intend to make this a "safe space" where everyone has to be a saint. Sh*t happens, and life is messy. That's why we get things off our chests.
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3. Frustrated, venting, or angry posts are still welcome.
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