I’d walk to a lemonade stand to see if they had any grapes.

Put on a blue cap, blue nautical shirt; but, and I can't stress this enough, NO PANTS.

Quack

FLY!

Damn, 3 hour old post and no one said FLY!? Ya’all need to be ducks more often…

Quack

Open a wine bottle, maybe? Put the corkscrew to use.

Quak

Quack

Murder.

Depends, am I a horse-sized duck? I might have some people to fight

Pick one person at a time and speak to them in human language. In some cases it will be to give them a special magical friend, in other cases it will be to cause them to question their sanity.

Then I'd get to seeing about this whole corkscrew dick thing.

For those who are unfamiliar, let me introduce you to Howard the Duck (really the first movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe).

Crime

Head downtown & act cute until a college girl adopts me as her pet. Duck-nuzzle some boobies.

Got any grapes?

I would learn to fly and then fly to one of those parks where secret service agents meet. Become a spy and sell the intelligence I gather.

Peace was never an option.

Check if my quack has an echo

• explain the whole thing to my partner and ask them to protect me.

Failing that:

• carefully waddle to where I know people feed ducks

• practice flying and copy other ducks

• ask other ducks for tips

Cover my feathers in wax like substance from my ass glands. Once I'm all waxed up I go for a swim.

I find someone with a corkscrew fetish.

Find /u/fuckswithducks

I’d float around in the water as my body would now resemble a boat.

Pretty sure I'd drop my phone.

Fly into the sunset.

I would have an exploding corkscrew penis. I'll find ways to entertain myself.

Betray my country.

Probably contacting some media outlets to try and monetize my talking-duck status, and wondering if if my life expectancy is on par with duck or human.

Probably make a poo on the floor.
Either mine or in the hallway (if I know how to open the door).

Probably open up my phone and pull up youtube to watch some duck documentaries. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be eating or what things out there are usually wanting to eat me.

I’d head straight to Subway for my free sandwich!