95

People and their kids like to come over unannounced, and without permission, to look at my ducks like it's the fuckin zoo or some shit.

Need some humor for this situation to ease my frustration

top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[-] Hello_there@fedia.io 77 points 6 months ago

You're looking at this wrong way.
Buy a gumball machine. Put on fence. Fill machine with enough feed for the day. Charge other people to feed your ducks

[-] EsteemedRectangle@lemmynsfw.com 5 points 6 months ago

Ducks chewing gum balls ? 😂

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] wabafee@lemmy.world 45 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Obvious answer is to give the kids ducklings for every visit. Pressuring kids parents to stop their kids coming over without permission. Unless they want to own duck pets.

[-] milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 9 points 6 months ago

Or, the neighbourhood starts a new trend for duckling soup...

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] dumbass@leminal.space 42 points 6 months ago

Get some thick over sized glasses that are that transparent brown colour on the rims, grow a thin but dirty moustache, only wear faded pastel tops and short stained shorts that are 1 or 2 sizes to small, ALWAYS show your belly, make sure to be overly friendly but never blink when making eye contact, sooner or later they'll all leave your house alone.

[-] krellor@fedia.io 36 points 6 months ago

Nonchalantly execute the ducks in front of the kids. You'll also be supporting your local youth therapists job security.

[-] sanguinepar@lemmy.world 11 points 6 months ago

This made me snort with laughter, thank you :-)

"Mornin' kids," [twist, snap]

[-] lemmefixdat4u@lemmy.world 33 points 6 months ago

Put up a sign that says, "Pursuant to ordinance 347-1236, a sexual predator resides here"

[-] Worx@lemmynsfw.com 29 points 6 months ago

That makes it sounds like it's legally mandated for there to be a sexual predator there. When the house gets sold, do the new owners now have to go and molest someone??

[-] KittenBiscuits@lemm.ee 10 points 6 months ago

And to think usually the buyers are the ones getting fucked.

[-] jordanlund@lemmy.world 32 points 6 months ago

CAUTION:
BIRD FLU

[-] Hugh_Jeggs@lemm.ee 32 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Get you some geese

Pro tip - feed them a handful of dandelion leaves twice a day, they'll be your best friends

[-] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 9 points 6 months ago

I had geese once. It was awful lol

load more comments (4 replies)
[-] Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee 29 points 6 months ago

My grandmom used to hang dead birds in her garden to warn others from coming to eat her berries. Maybe this works with kids too, you just need to get a dead one from somewhere first.

[-] LesserAbe@lemmy.world 27 points 6 months ago

Build an exact replica of that area right next to the original. They'll be confused, are they visiting the real ducks or a simulacrum of the ducks?

[-] HuddaBudda@kbin.social 24 points 6 months ago

Warning: Kids left unattended on this lawn will be fed to dinosaurs in the name of science.

Parents and dogs will be given popcorn and adequate seating.

[-] GlitterInfection@lemmy.world 18 points 6 months ago

My joke answer is to directly tell them that they are not allowed to come on your lawn, to not let their kids do the same, and that it's your property, not a zoo.

This way you'll guarantee that your house is egged often enough that some of the eggs may not break, and some subset of those could be adopted by the ducks and hatched into baby birds that the kids also won't be able to come look at.

[-] morphballganon@lemmy.world 18 points 6 months ago

Make sure the place they stand has no vegetation, and is always soaked, so their shoes inevitably get muddy. When they track the mud inside their houses, their parents will flip out and tell them not to go to your property again.

Or just put a motion sensor sprinkler to spray them when they get close.

[-] shinigamiookamiryuu@lemm.ee 17 points 6 months ago

Build a moat. It would certainly keep me out.

[-] amio@kbin.social 7 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Now the ducks colonize the moat and you have two attractions. You may or may not also need a third - a drawbridge - for your own access.

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 6 points 6 months ago

Woohoo, free swimming pool!

Now, a lava moat...

load more comments (3 replies)
[-] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 16 points 6 months ago

A sign: "Ducks carry Avian flu, please keep 500 Meters away to avoid transmission risks"

[-] amio@kbin.social 15 points 6 months ago

Start handing out kazoos.

Can I non-jokingly ask why that's such a big deal? If it's all up in your grill I get it, or some stupid liability thing. Otherwise, there's little enough joy in the world, what's the harm?

[-] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 17 points 6 months ago

My biggest thing is people getting hurt on my property. Also, I have boundaries and don't want to be surprised by people just hanging out, especially because I have a super anxious dog.

load more comments (3 replies)

Seriously, embrace the situation. People are interested in hanging out with/near you. If you are the person who stops all the kids seeing the ducks you could end up being seen as the scrooge of the town. Then nobody will like you. If you want nobody to interact with then maybe you should live away from people.

It might seem like those kids have nothing to offer to you but their parents might. My wife makes jam for our friendly neighbors...

To address your question though, you could make it official, one day a week the kids come to see the ducks but maybe you need it quiet the rest of the time to work or whatever. Tell them when to come and they can get it out of their system.

[-] Catoblepas@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 6 months ago

Put up a sign that says “WARNING: rabid ducks, enter property at own risk”

[-] satanmat@lemmy.world 6 points 6 months ago

Alt text.

Free range Raptor zone. Humans beware

[-] yesman@lemmy.world 15 points 6 months ago

Had a friend with problem neighbors kids cutting through his yard to get to the store. He was friendly with the parents and didn't want to stir shit. The neighbors were super all-natural, hippie, no chemical types, so he told them he switched to a new fertilizer packed with micro-plastics and forever chemicals made by Monsanto that he had to sneak in from Mexico because it wasn't allowed in the US. That fertilizer sure worked because the trail the kids were carving filled right in that summer.

[-] Skua@kbin.social 13 points 6 months ago

Handwrite the URL of this post and put it through their letterbox

[-] Clent@lemmy.world 12 points 6 months ago

Satanic iconography

[-] 20inmyhead@lemmy.ml 11 points 6 months ago

Update your landscaping to modern fire-swamp and stock it with many rodents of unusual size.

[-] Toes@ani.social 11 points 6 months ago

Decorate your home like a child's bedroom.

Have photos of only you everywhere, esp in the bathroom and hallways.

Invite just the parents over for dinner. Serve blue rare steaks and have the fanciest silverware arranged on the tables.

[-] captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works 10 points 6 months ago

Charge admission.

[-] YurkshireLad@lemmy.ca 10 points 6 months ago

Cover your yard in red paint, chunks of meat and feathers? You wanted humour, but was that a bit too grim? Sorry…

Put up a gate and a sign saying “$1 Entrance Fee”. If you want to get even sillier, draw a horizontal line about 7ft off the ground on the sign plus the text “Must be at least this tall to enter”.

[-] someguy3@lemmy.ca 10 points 6 months ago

Trespassers will be trebucheted.

[-] technomad@slrpnk.net 10 points 6 months ago

train the ducks to chase after the enemies. Lol

[-] KittenBiscuits@lemm.ee 7 points 6 months ago

Or just add some geese to the flock.

[-] DrWeevilJammer@lemmy.ml 6 points 6 months ago

Peace was never an option

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] Treczoks@lemmy.world 9 points 6 months ago

"There is at least one more bear trap on my grounds than you can spot."

[-] oleorun@real.lemmy.fan 8 points 6 months ago

Ask them if they want to get battletoads instead

[-] Fosheze@lemmy.world 7 points 6 months ago
[-] tiefling@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 6 months ago

Play the sound of a loading shotgun through a speaker when they trespass

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] NegentropicBoy@lemmy.world 6 points 6 months ago

"Entry Fee (min one):

  • Carrot
  • Apple
  • ..."

That way you get duck (or human) food for free.

[-] Ioughttamow@kbin.run 6 points 6 months ago

Walls, barbed wire, around the entire perimeter. Hire a pmc to patrol the grounds. If the kids are caught, extraordinary rendition them to a blacksite in an allied former Soviet state. If they escape before capture, send out operatives disguised as soccer/little league/gymnastics coaches until you locate and black bag them. Same fate as the initially captured. They’ll either get the memo or run out of kids

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] guyrocket@kbin.social 5 points 6 months ago

You kids stay the DUCK off my lawn!!!

[-] toasteecup@lemmy.world 5 points 6 months ago

Get a shotgun, load it noisely when the kids trespass

[-] Kowowow@lemmy.ca 5 points 6 months ago

You could make sure they see you taking a dump on the closet edge of your yard, build a fence like that and I think they'll get the message

[-] kakes@sh.itjust.works 5 points 6 months ago

Tell your neighborhood you're a sex offender?

[-] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 5 points 6 months ago

"I'm assisting as part of an experimental penal system. I just want you to be aware that all of these ducks were once human child rapists who were transformed in exchange for lighter sentences."

load more comments
view more: next ›
this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2024
95 points (88.0% liked)

Ask Lemmy

26904 readers
704 users here now

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions

Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world


Rules: (interactive)


1) Be nice and; have funDoxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them


2) All posts must end with a '?'This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?


3) No spamPlease do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.


4) NSFW is okay, within reasonJust remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].


5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.


Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.

Partnered Communities:

Tech Support

No Stupid Questions

You Should Know

Reddit

Jokes

Ask Ouija


Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu


founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS