May you have to deal with people like yourself for eternity.
That's a clever curse, because if you're a good and thoughtful person you have nothing to worry about
Although if you struggle with mental health it may be.. a bit rough
Your socks will never feel dry again.
Just one sock. And it switches when you start to get used to it, like a plugged nostril.
May you have the life that you deserve
Ouch
May you start every sentence with "Like,"
May one shoelace be permanently tighter than the other just enough to be annoying.
Make them use Microsoft products.
May you never find the short edge of your blanket at night.
🖕
May your children be just like you.
Unforgivable. Should have just killed me.
May the other side of your pillow be always warm.
May your Tupperware and zip locks never fully close, click, snap or seal.
May mosquitos find your skin the rarest of delicacies while rendering others around you uninteresting to feed from.
May your front teeth be magnetic to food particles that are extra adhesive so you almost always have food stuck between your teeth.
May your tires always look deflated to others despite being full so you are constantly pointed at on the freeway and stoplights by other drivers.
May you compulsively jig any time you hear any music for a minimum for 30 seconds.
May you be unable to type so you are forced to handwrite everything. May you work for the IRS who accommodates your technological disability.
May people never find anything you say funny but they always give you halfhearted courtesy laughs.
May any TV channel or streaming station have no content other than Con Air on loop.
May you always get birthday cards, invitations and presents at least a month off from your real day.
May all your furniture squeak incessantly.
May you receive the respect you deserve.
Every 24 hours, at noon, small rock appears in one of the shoes they are wearing.
They will grow a 5 inch translucent hair from the top of one ear every time they drink coffee.
15 minutes after they ride a bicycle they will have violent diarrhea with 5 minutes of warning signs.
Alcohol has no effect on them.
Every time they turn the steering wheel of their car further than 5°, their turn signal indicates the direction that the wheel turns.
They can hear what their dog or cat is thinking over any distance, but it is only a stream of consciousness because the animal is incapable of understanding that their thoughts are being heard.
May your butthole itch after every shower
You woke up every morning with a mosquito bite on your nether region.
Good God! He said non-violent, man!
May your day be as pleasant as you are.
You always feel like you have to sneeze
May you step in dog shit every day and be oblivious until it's pointed out by someone else.
One that makes your sense of hearing lag behind your sense of sight by a second.
Ah, the pulseaudio bluetooth curse. Counterspell: pipewire
May all your condiment packets fail to tear open neatly.
May your internet connection be inconsistent and plagued by outages.
May all your farts be wet and untrustworthy.
Every liquid product that you try use (glue, shampoo, toothpaste, etc) will be clogged with the dried product requiring a small pick to clear the clog before use.
All of their drawers are missing the thing that keeps them from pulling all the way out so they end up yanking the drawer all the way out every time
May your socks be forever wet
May all animals you try to pet run away from you in fear.
I kinda like the only-mildly-violent ones, like "I hope you step on a Lego!"
Every bedsheet you ever buy will get terrible pilling within a month (even the expensive ones!)
May your taint be rubbed raw every time you exercise, no matter how well manicured it may be.
May flies regularly fly past you next to your ear.
You fart uncontrollably for 30 seconds whenever you see someone you find attractive
To bite your cheek in the same place over and over just as it starts to heal
May every shirt you wear have an itchy tag you can't remove.
May you get the hiccups every time you need to be calm or confident.
You will always feel a hair on your tongue!
You will always feel like something small is crawling on you!
May your toilet seat be forever frozen.
Or oddly hot... like someone's only just finished a 15 minute blow out
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