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As India ages, a secret shame emerges: Elders abandoned by their children (apnews.com)

submitted 4 months ago by MicroWave@lemmy.world to c/world@lemmy.world

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They were found in gutters, on streets, in bushes. They were boarded on trains, deserted in hospitals, dumped at temples. They were sent away for being sick or outliving paychecks or simply growing too old.

By the time they reached this home for the aged and unwanted, many were too numb to speak. Some took months to mouth the truth of how they came to spend their final days in exile.

“They said, ‘Taking care of him is not our cup of tea,’” says Amirchand Sharma, 65, a retired policeman whose sons left him to die near the river after he was badly hurt in an accident. “They said, ‘Throw him away.’”

In its traditions, in its religious tenets and in its laws, India has long cemented the belief that it is a child’s duty to care for his aging parents. But in a land known for revering its elderly, a secret shame has emerged: A burgeoning population of older people abandoned by their own families.

This is a country where grandparents routinely share a roof with children and grandchildren, and where the expectation that the young care for the old is so ingrained in the national ethos that nursing homes are a relative rarity and hiring caregivers is often seen as taboo. But expanding lifespans have brought ballooning caregiving pressure, a wave of urbanization has driven many young far from their home villages and a creeping Western influence has begun eroding the tradition of multigenerational living.

Courtrooms swell with thousands of cases of parents seeking help from their children. Footpaths and alleys are crowded with older people who now call them home. And a cottage industry of nonprofits for the abandoned has sprouted, operating a constantly growing number of shelters that continually fill.

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[-] SaltySalamander@fedia.io 130 points 4 months ago

Makes one wonder just how shitty were these elders to their children and grandchildren?

[-] Beacon@fedia.io 88 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Yeah the things that the elders say sound like typical narcissist parent quotes. "[My kids abandoned me because] they said ‘Taking care of him is not our cup of tea.” That's sounds extremely unlikely. I would guess you didn't want to hear the very justified exact reasons why they didn't want you in their life anymore.

[-] cynthorpe@discuss.online 44 points 4 months ago

If my mother wasn’t a terrible person, a liar, and a manipulator, I wouldn’t have abandoned her when she finally broke the camels back.

[-] OutlierBlue@lemmy.ca 33 points 4 months ago

Yep, check out The Missing Missing Reasons

[-] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 32 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

"[My kids abandoned me because] they said ‘Taking care of him is not our cup of tea.” That’s sounds extremely unlikely

My thoughts too. The person you're quoting is apparently just 65, too, and a retired police officer. Obviously I'm just talking out of my ass here, but that sounds way too young to at the point of requiring full-time caregiving. I'm thinking there's something more at play beyond what he's letting on, but I could obviously be wrong

[-] phdepressed@sh.itjust.works 14 points 4 months ago

It also says he was in an accident. So he may not be physically capable.

[-] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 14 points 4 months ago

Ah yeah I guess if I had the reading comprehension of an adult man and not a fucking chickadee I'd have seen that in the next sentence.

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[-] Zachariah@lemmy.world 6 points 4 months ago

Whose responsibility was it to help that be their cup of tea?

[-] The_v@lemmy.world 26 points 4 months ago

I haven't spoken to my parents in over a decade. They are really shitty people.

I have entertained myself reviewed nursing homes looking for the one with the absolute worst reviews for them to finish their lives at.

[-] tenchiken@lemmy.dbzer0.com 19 points 4 months ago

This. If my parents hadn't been gracious enough to die painfully from cancer, this would have been the next option.

Not all elders deserve support, respect or compassion.

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[-] CanadaPlus@lemmy.sdf.org 22 points 4 months ago

Yeah, any guesses on the shitty kids:shitty parents:shitty both ratio?

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[-] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 33 points 4 months ago

Americans

[-] cynthorpe@discuss.online 32 points 4 months ago

Hey, don’t be shitty parents and we won’t abandon you 🤷‍♂️

[-] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 14 points 4 months ago

Be incentivized to be a non-shit parent.

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[-] Passerby6497@lemmy.world 5 points 4 months ago

That would require me to be ashamed of my choice lol.

[-] BrightCandle@lemmy.world 23 points 4 months ago

This is actually the normal around the globe. We are kind of told that we look after the frail and disabled and our family but as countless disabled people have been explaining for centuries now this just isn't the case, its one of the biggest lies ever told about human behaviour. Its shocking that governments are still shocked by this behaviour but it goes to show how deep the propaganda has got into people.

Human beings do not look after the chronically unwell, whether it be from age or otherwise. Almost all close family abandon them, it is abnormal for anyone from someones friends of families to even see them again after about 2 to 3 years. This is the true reality of human behaviour and the disabled have been trying to get this message across for decades and no one is listening.

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[-] SirDerpy@lemmy.world 21 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

1st gen US of a north-south love marriage.

Remember why immigrants come to the US: The same hustle yields greater success due to lessened competition for greater resources. It's worse wherever they came from.

Remember that good and bad family is somewhat universal across cultures. People care for their elderly because they continue to contribute to the family unit in facets such as meals, cleaning, childcare, wisdom. People cohabitate because there's competitive strength in a larger family unit.

Relative the US, India has roughly three times the population and one third the geographic area. They want to care for their good parents and offer the bad ones a humane somethhing, just as everyone does. Capitalism crushes them as it does us. They just have less. They can't afford to house and feed their parents.

[-] 30p87@feddit.org 12 points 4 months ago

Yeah no shit. That wasn't like really obvious that that would start to happen at some point.

[-] assassin_aragorn@lemmy.world 12 points 4 months ago

This is a pretty big deal in Indian culture. Respecting and listening to elders is actually a cornerstone, I'd say. At social events with potlucks, the young kids are always the first to eat, then the elders, then everyone else. It's so ingrained in me that when I saw a young Indian kid mocking their grandmother I was utterly shocked.

However, this isn't to say the children in this article are necessarily wrong to abandon their parents. It's just some perspective on how big of a deal this is.

Although at the same time, I've noticed that second generation Indians (born to the parents who immigrated, like me) are taught a more traditional and conservative culture. The first generation Indians I've met seem a lot less traditional -- hence why they're probably more okay with abandoning their elders. It's interesting sometimes how immigrants preserve their home culture and traditions better than their own home does. Granted, this isn't the case with everything. There's a lot of things where Indian kids who grew up in the West are far more liberal on.

[-] Deceptichum@quokk.au 17 points 4 months ago

… this is Indians in India, they’re not okay with it because they’re “first generation Indians” they’re like 10,000th generation Indians in their own country not America.

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[-] DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social 13 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

I wouldn't abandon my grandparents if something had happened and they needed a home... But I liked my grandparents. I like my parents. If your kid won't let you live with them even if they can't themselves take care of you, something else is going on besides selfishness.

[-] alekwithak@lemmy.world 11 points 4 months ago

Capitalism does it again!

[-] TechNerdWizard42@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago

It may be a secret shame in India, but it's a public shame in the US that the rest of the world doesn't understand.

[-] people_are_cute@lemmy.sdf.org 3 points 4 months ago

I reckon the "shame" here is on the parents' side for failing to live on their own?

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[-] TokenBoomer@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

Capitalism

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this post was submitted on 03 Aug 2024

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