submitted 1 year ago by MalaysiaSugarKing to c/malaysian_dating

I've been fed with 'just be yourself', it's ok about your body size and people will love you for who you are. People aren't that superficial bla bla bla. Seriously a big fuck you to those people who said that, I was naive and believe that. Yeah it's comforting to hear but is it what I need? It makes me being pathetic and It gets me no where for many many years.

Why don't people being realistic to me and say something like you're ugly you need to work on yourself, brush up your game, get in shape, be financially stable, be mentally healthy? I was miserable and friends around me are like 'just be yourself', 'you are perfect as you are'??? I get that friends I had don't want to hurt my feeling but in this case I really wish someone would 'hurt' me many years ago so I can improve myself, stop wasting the potential partner I encountered

Sorry about the rant, I need to get this off my chest, I'm currently in better place now and start seeing people.

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[-] hyattpotter 4 points 1 year ago

Well, just think about it. If that is in fact true, then statistically, all conventionally "ugly" and fat people would never get married and reproduce. Even disfigured people find somebody and gets married. On the other hand, I watch lots of reality TV shows (more than I'd like to admit) and even conventionally "hot" people go though years of dry spells too.

We might have higher standards, and if that is the case, then we would definitely have to work on ourselves. But if it's not sustainable/just put on in order to attract who you want, it wouldn't last long either. In the end, a person has to love you for you.

[-] IkanCelupTepung 2 points 1 year ago

Firstly maybe can ask yourself if there's anything about you that needed improvement. I would still say just be yourself, I feel like if you're trying to be someone you're not then it's just lying isn't it, not fair for your partner. And later on it'll be tiring for yourself too in the long run.

Good to see that you are seeing people, get yourself out there and wishing you the best!

[-] cendawanita 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

It's worth meditating or reflecting what is it actually about the advice, "be yourself" is about and what is it about the advice that you think is horrible. Are you responding to what you consider to be insincerity, that they didn't give a straight talk? What if they genuinely didn't think you're a horrible person, or else why would they be friends with you? Are you projecting your own self-confidence issues about yourself? (ETA: also, did your friends know you were sincerely asking for critique? Unless your friends are sociopathic assholes why on earth would anyone start the day seeking to hurt someone's feelings unnecessarily?)

It's hard to balance staying true to yourself and acknowledging your flaws, since at first glance it sounds like two opposite positions. In the context of being a person ppl like to be with, even romantically, being yourself is to be comfortable with yourself and not to hate this very mortal body that's managed to keep you alive all these years, however imperfectly it was done (perhaps).

People respond well to someone whose vibes aren't hateful - hating yourself and letting your self-esteem be attacked daily by no one else by yourself, aren't good vibes. Are all happily married people hot and attractive? Amber Heard is one of the most beautiful woman in the world imo and she had the bad luck not only of being married to an abuser but also to an abuser who could manipulate public sentiment so that when she tried to fight back she gets painted as an abuser. Tina Turner was famously an incredible artist with a beautiful voice and all that got her in her early life was to be physically beaten by a man who told her she was worthless.

Melissa McCarthy is a good-looking woman who is not at all thin and her marriage has been going on for decades. Ok, let's talk about dudes. Since I just watched Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise is legitimately handsome and very eager to please, and what did that get him? Kena pau by a cult who (pretty much everyone with info agreed) caused his divorce from Nicole Kidman (another beautiful person). Ok, let's talk about rich guys - Elon Musk did hair transplant, got a trainer, landed a beautiful artist (second) wife, and where is he now? Probably actively burning his inherited wealth because it turns out, he's an awful man. Even Bill Gates is divorced.

I am glad you're out and about now meeting people, but always remember your baggage isn't physical, but psychological. What did people respond to? That's what you have to ask, because do you really want to build a relationship with shallow people? Will you stay fit and beautiful forever?

this post was submitted on 12 Jul 2023
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