You might get some relief from changing your notification sound/vibration pattern to something that wasn't used during those times, or even use a separate messaging app for day to day communication to tone down those triggers.

If your wife is up to it, you could even reserve actual phone calls for critical things to reassure yourself the regular notifications are "safe".

To maker her not feel at fault it might be possible to spin it as her supporting you, so she's doing a positive thing instead of trying to avoid it.

Unless of course the fact you're getting contacted while away at all is a problem, I hope that would be something you can work through with time and practice.

I am glad you're doing better and hope that trend continues upwards!

10 years ago I started hanging out with a group of friends. I knew 3 of them since I went to high school, and I was in good terms with them at that time. And it was the most abusive experience I've ever passed through. Everything I said, even the most insignificant one, leaded into harsh messages by them on WhatsApp, to the point that I didn't even read any message in fear that I could suffer an unimaginable psychological pain. Even I had goosebumps when my phone vibrated because I thought it was them, when it was just a random appointment notification or other stuff. And online too, especially when I was on Reddit, every time I wrote something, I had panic attacks when the bell showed me a notificacion. I can't tell how much time that situation lasted because I don't really know, but after leaving those scenarios, receiving my ADHD diagnosis and taking medication, that fear eventually disappeared.

I get this anxiety as well.

I'm just waiting for a text message that will destroy my life as I know it.

Its happened to me several times already.

Hello :) I think the phrase you are looking for is "notification anxiety". If you Google that you'll find a lot of information, experiences, and advice.

Oh boy. You have really been through some rough times, I am so sorry about that. Especially with not having family around for support.

So what you're describing with texts sounds exactly like what I would experience with anything related to hospitals. My wife has experienced many severe health problems, and even TV shows about the medical world would send me into a tailspin. I would have physical reactions—heart racing, intense fear, etc.

I talked to my doctor about it and he diagnosed me with panic disorder or PTSD from the experiences I had. I was put on medication that helped a ton with panic. I also continued seeing my therapist.

I am not a doctor, but maybe you're experiencing something similar? I know you don't want to be on meds, but maybe it's worth talking to a doc and see what they say?

At any rate wish you the best, these scary feelings are not fun.

I recognise this. My sister had anorexia and was in danger for her life many times. I received some quite difficult phone calls and messages due to this. I have been scared of the sound of my phone for many years. I even got palpitations when I heard the sound of other people's phones in public if it was similar to the sound my phone used to have.

Over time, the anxiety got less and less. I now still prefer to have my phone in silent mode, but I do not get stressed when the sound is on anymore or when I hear it. I think it got better once I got EMDR treatment for the PTSD I had due to my sister's illness.

I, of course, cannot diagnose you or anything. But it might be a good idea to get some professional support. For me, it was difficult to get the help, as I did not want her to blame herself or feel bad about something she couldn't do anything about. Her life was already hard enough. On the other hand, I felt guilty about getting help and not telling her. I did the latter and just got the help I needed without telling her.

I am not saying lie to your wife. My idea was to tell my sister eventually when she was stronger. I do want to say that if guild or wanting to protect your wife is stopping you from getting the help you need, maybe you can just go and figure out together with the therapist how you can tell her and involve her in the therapy. You are important too and you deserve help and support too.

This one thing stands out to me:

I alread mentioned this to my wife and I think it made her feel bad because she thinks it's her fault. Of course I said it’s not her fault, but now I’m kinda afraid to bring this up with her again.

Yikes! That sounds like a very difficult communication pattern to deal with. Either you’re presenting it in a way that signals you do blame her, or she’s got some inability to hear problem discussion without hearing blame. Either way this sounds like a key component of any anxiety you experience around communication.

As for the text messages, you can use classical conditioning to alter that response.

Basically you’d just get a text message, experience your fear response, and then dedicate a few minutes to breathing as slowly as you possibly can. Specifically, you need to extend the exhalation as long as possible. Exhale longer than inhale will calm your body down. It can take a few minutes of that breathing.

The more times you follow that fear response with that breathing exercise, the more your body will learn to associate receiving a text message with being calm a few minutes later.

Generally speaking, it probably wouldn’t hurt to do that breathing exercise daily anyway.

Just inhale normally, hold a couple seconds, then exhale as long and as slowly as you can. And repeat.