This is what I LOVE about German culture.

"How are you/Wie geht es dir" is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person's situation.

I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me "how are you". Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.

Of course "I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles" is also not a normal answer in Germany, but "puh, it's been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come" totally is. Then it's the other person's choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.

The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.

„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)

„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)

It helps to understand what is being communicated here. It's not a genuine request for your health status, it's a friendly greeting. The last thing anyone wants in response to "how are you" is a list of everything that's wrong with you. If you struggle to cope with replying "fine" or equivalent, refuse to answer the question and respond instead with something like "hi/hello!". The non-sequitur will jar them for a moment and hopefully they'll learn not to ask dumb questions.

I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is "I'm fine thanks". any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.

I just stopped saying I'm fine. It's actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually "been better" and I'm usually more like "pretty shitty, my guy". People who didn't mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.

You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.

“The horrors persist, but so do I.”

Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.

As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”

The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:

“How are you?”

“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”

Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”

The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.

In Ireland it's common to say "not too bad"

My response is:

Good, as long as I don't think about it.

Just stop treating it as communication. It’s a symbolic protocol that means “hello”. It’s a handshake.

And don’t rely on your clients to be the ones you open up to. Join a men’s group or a women’s circling group, so you have someone to communicate with.

I’ve been saying “I don’t know” to the “how are you doing” question for about 20 years. It’s pretty good. 95% of the time that’s the end of the conversation. 5% of the time a dialogue that isn’t mundane happens.

Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don't understand. Life is too short to be normal.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: good afternoon.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: is it Friday yet? asking for a friend.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: I'm surviving, it beats the alternative (fake chuckle) , what can I do for you today?

Client Hi, how are you today? You: Fluffy, he was my anchor, my pivot, the only thing in life worth living...... Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. You're here, I'm here, lets get shit done.

Then stop lying about it :

"Hey, how you doin'?"

" Everything's bad, as usual, thanks"

Or

"Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?"

Or

"... next question?"

If it's a client and can't afford to be awkward, just say say

"Just another day"

And if people ask for more details but you don't want to talk about it, just say :

"Just having a bad day"

Or

"Nothing good happened yet"

Or

"Nothing out of the ordinary"

Or just make up your honest but polite answers

Lying in general wears me down, but if I told a client or passer-by how I'm actually doing I'd be drugged out of my mind in a padded room by the end of the week. Occasionally I "squeak by" with a "Any day above ground, right?" This can't be healthy.

Personally, I've come to despise the "How're you?" greeting — it feels like it normalizes impersonal interactions and encourages the behavior of masking one's emotions. When someone asks "How are you?" I want that sentence to actually carry the emotional weight that it verbally masquerades. So, if someone says "How are you?", I just respond with a generic greeting like "Hi".

No one really wants an accurate answer. It's just a greeting. Someone says 'how are you?' you say 'grand' then get on with your day. Same as when someone says 'what's happening?' They don't want a comprehensive list of your woes and such.

Edit: just found this - https://lemmy.world/post/25032324

It is tiresome. Its not going to be good unless modern society changes in some extremely significant ways in teh US at least.

I don't, I rely an ready made sentences that require no effort on my part are that are not lies at all. Depending who's asking when someone is asking me how well I'm I will answer (it's in French)

• 'Je vais bien, pas le choix!' (I'm doing well, no choice!) or more often 'Je vais toujours bien, c'est défendu d'aller mal!' (I'm always well, It's forbidden to feel bad!'). Edit I will more often than not smile, saying that.
• 'Bien sur et toi?' (sure, and you?) and, yep, I purposefully do not answer the question.

I don't lie (I may even hint that I may not be doing that well, in the first type of answers) but I also shamelessly use the fact that most people don't give the slightest crap how well I really am when they're asking. That's small-talk 101. Like saying 'the weather is nice today, isn't it?'

The less interactions I have with the kind of persons who rely on small-talk, the happier I'm. So, it never bothers me to be 'polite' as I know how efficient it is to shorten the time and energy I waste with them.