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Given the religious fervor throughout its history, how about naming it after an ancient biblical region?
Transjordan?
Wait. Shit, that won't work, even Jordan's gone woke. Maybe something else in the region?
OH! How about Gilead!?
Sodom. From the story of Sodom & Gommorah, but I would choose the name based on a passage from Ezekiel.
"This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy."
Yep, in classical biblical literature it's understood that the "sin of Sodom" was lack of social justice.
It's the Christian interpretation that made it primarily a sex thing.
I grew up being taught that America was literally the "Whore of Babylon" from the Book of Revelation.
And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. - Revelation 17:5
It was specifically said to be a prophecy about the United States and once you understood that, the rest of the story just clicked into place! I want to vomit just thinking back to that bullshit.
Except Transjordan isn't biblical. It's the region of Palestine that became The Kingdom of Jordan. As opposed to Cisjordan, which is the region that became Israel and the present Palestine.
But I don't think we're allowed to say cis anymore. /s
Whatever the Cherokee word for "stolen land" is.
Or, you know, the thousands of other languages that existed.
Sorry, distilling everything indigenous down to the Cherokee is a pet peeve of mine.
Mountain Dew presents: Freedom Country - Brought to you by United Healthcare.
Serious answer: the Viking settlers named the land "Vinland" long before Columbus was even born. That name is of Germanic origin, same as the English language, and would be appropriate for settlers of Germanic origin (England, Germany, etc.)
Alternatively, a name in ~~the~~ a Native American language would be most appropriate given that they were the original inhabitants of the land.
A name in the Native American language
There is no single native American language. There are over 200 of them, and used to be around 300-400, in 57 different families and over two dozen completely isolated languages (which might not be, but it's hard to find out). And they'd likely be at the very least somewhat mutually culturally insensitive.
So that might be even more difficult than using English, which at least has the benefit of being popular now.
The United States Inc. since that's all we are anyway....
United Corp.
I'm not even sure United applies anymore. I change my answer to The States Corp.
Trade names with the Gulf and become the United States of Mexico.
That’s just Mexico’s actual name
Formally: Jeb!
Informally: Jebland
Dialectical variant of English: Jeblish
Collective name for the people of Jebland: Jebanese
I’m kidding of course. We all know the process to rename the U.S. would be taken over by the wealthy and we’d wind up named HCH (Human Capital Holdings), LLC, a shell corporation/nation that is jointly owned by Blackrock, Vanguard, and State Street.
Jeb means "fuck" in some languages.
Even better
Ozempia
this post was submitted on 12 Feb 2025
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