I am autistic, which you probably could have just derived from the rest of this comment. Questions like these are so terrifying to me. So I always have a fun fact on hand.

"What's new?"

"I just learned that only female cats have a calico pattern!"

Then you can talk about cats instead of your life.

"Ah you know, same old."

gettin' better at turnin' food to poop, you?

Not too much. Just doing the daily.

This is an honest and correct answer if that is your situation. Nothing wrong with that.

Living the dream

I'm functioning within normal parameters.

Usually a brief "I just read/played/watched such-and-such"

If they know it, we can chat about it. If they don't, and they're interested, we can chat about it. Otherwise, the conversation moves on and the social rite is concluded successfully.

"Nothing worth mentioning, you?"

The court order was very clear that I am not allowed to discuss that. How about you? Anything new?

I tell the truth. Nothing. I don't care to expend the energy to make up an excuse.

Not much, you?

Not much how’bout yoy?

It gets awkward

Something is always happening in your life.

What you really mean is "When you don't think that anyone would be interested in what's happening in your life."

If you've been absorbing media, tell us what you've been watching/reading/playing. If you have this encounter out in public, say where you're going now, or what you're looking forward to doing when that's done.

Hell, even if you've been laying in bed for a week and someone asks, say you've been catching up on some sleep.

There's always something, and as mundane as you think your answer might be, it'll be easier for them to continue the conversation on that one piece of information than saying "you know, same old".

I can’t remember the last time nothing has been going on in my life. It sounds wonderful.

The cosmic horrors persist, but so do I

"I'm a normal user of sidewalks."

This reminds me of the time that I learned that the correct answer to "what's up?" is "what's up?" At least in the context of that one coworker who would say that to me as we were walking past each other.

I've since learned to recognize these things as a "bid for connection". It generally has little to do with the content of the question or the answer and everything to do with relating.

So basically there is no wrong answer. And there are lots of good examples in this thread!

Personally I tend to answer "not much" as a knee-jerk reaction, but sometimes I'll remember to say something else after that.

I take a short breath and pull out my phone.

I notate when I last saw them.

I then pull out my document of every major event that occurred to me from point A to point B.

They look confused.

I comfort them.

I gently remind them that I'm on this ride with them. And if they didn't want to be informed, they shouldnt have asked.

I clear my throat, and start at the top of the list.

It's not a real question that requires an answer. You say 'not much' or 'same old same old' and move on.

I usually go with "oh, same old same old" or "nothing fun" and try to divert back to something someone else talked about. But to be fair, I am a terrible conversationalist.

In general, switch the question to, "What's new in the world?"

"you know, new day, same old, how about you?" think of it as a game of catch, throw the ball back, if you don't want to / or have a quick answer.

Same shit, bigger pile