A buddy of mine was talking to his doctor not long after he turned 50 and he was complaining about some random pain. The doctor told him "You know all that stupid stuff you did when you were younger? That's what hurts now."

Remember, they are pro-control not pro-life.

Don't forget to bounce a graviton particle beam off the main detector dish.

For some reason my wife's Google photo face recognition thinks our grey cats are my sister in law.

Who needs insulation when you have 12 air conditioners‽

The first time my wife (girlfriend at the time) went to my parents house my dad showed her his coprolite collection. That was over 20 years ago and she is still with me. So from my scientifically significant sample size of one, I can confirm that it indeed works.

My 6th grade science teacher taught us that blood is red but that some people think it is blue until it touches air because our veins look blue under our skin. He explained how the different wavelengths of light are absorbed differently and they was why it looks that way. Two years later my 8th grade science teacher taught us that blood is blue until it touches air. She was not happy when I told her she was wrong. I even explained it and told her to go talk to the other teacher if she still did not understand. She still would not listen to me. Over half the class was in the same sixth grade class as me but I was the only one that either remembered or was willing to stand up to the teacher. I finished losing faith in the education system on that day.

I was eating at a restaurant one time with some people from out of town when a car drove past the window. Nobody really seemed to interested when I pointed it out until I also pointed out that there is not a road outside that window. The car had jumped the curb, threaded the needle between a stop sign and fire hydrant, and made it about 80 feet through the park before stopping. The cops were still dealing with the guy when I left the restaurant, he was clearly very inebriated.

Either the rock weighs exactly 500kg to an impressive precision and has been there for eleven thousand years or it weighs five hundred thousand kg and has been there for exactly 11 years.

Unicycling?

I'm assuming when you say "rev bombing" you mean "[eating a bunch of beans and cutting the loudest farts you can] when someone cuts you off"

Man, I knew Florida was doing some crazy shit these days but I had no idea they had their own system of measurements now.

If I sleep on my stomach I can't move my neck the next day, right side my right hand goes painfully numb, left side my left hand goes painfully numb, back both hands go numb. There is literally no position I can sleep in that I don't wake up after a couple of hours and have to shift to a different position.