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this post was submitted on 16 Jul 2024
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getting maybe shot because of fascist infighting at your fascist rally is still no excuse for littering
this but unironically, I'd def be clutching my trash until death
FBI shows up a few days afterwards. Loud pounding on your door. "OPEN UP!" poundpoundpound "FBI, OPEN UP!"
You open the door, slightly pissed at the hinge rattling pounding
"Yeah? Wha-"
The most Agent Smith, clean shaven, shiny faced man ever shoves a beer can and dirt-covered, dried up cup of what appears to have been fries with ketchup at your face.
"Sir! Shut the fuck up. Protip, asswipe- your day just got fucked. We might be the FB-fucking-I, we might occasionally assassinate popular political figures and frame Muslim kids on bullshit charges, but one thing we absolutely do not fuck around with is people who have no respect for public places!"
"I... wha-!"
"I said shut the fuck up once already. Put your fucking- you turn your ass around right now, hands behind your back"
You start turning and are standing in the doorway while his partner cuffs you.
Agent Smith sweeps the inside of your apartment quickly with his eyes.
"I hate scum like yo- what. What the fuck is that? Why... Jesus Christ, man! Why do you have wrappers and pizza boxes strewn about your living space?! Are you a fucking animal!?"
"N-no, I just live alone an-and-"
"Mother of Mary, mother of our Lord...is... are you mixing your recyclables with the regular trash???
You know what?! he looks around, feigning fright "HELP I NEED BACKUP! HE'S RESISTI- THE SUSPECT JUST REACHED FOR MY GUN!" You saw that, right?"
"Sure did, sir."
"Wh-what the-"
poppop
And that's why you don't litter.
GENE PARMESAN!!!!