Saw this old article come across the timeline:

https://theonion.com/cool-dad-raising-daughter-on-media-that-will-put-her-en-1819572981/

I'm sure this is just a coincidence, but I can't help finding it horrifically funny that they used the name "Paul Campbell." Paul Campbell was a pseudonym used by the Weavers for their writing, and of course, the Weavers played the music (by then 30 to 40 years old), that I listened to in my teen years and which put me hopelessly out of touch with my generation.

@theonion@midwest.social #TheOnion @theonion@threads.net #weavers #TheWeavers

(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to portray things as okay. Said one: “we all know it’s plausible that they lost it, and this is what they’d do if they did. So did they get smarter? Dumber? If they lost the briefcase, what does that mean for national security? Could Pete [Hegseth, Secretary of Defense] have left it in a bar? Really this creates more questions than answers, which is exactly what you’d do to create a distraction.”

The White House’s attentive detail to the non-problem only further muddies the water. Since the briefing, three separate updates have come out, stating that the briefcase is fine, and thanking the press for being diligent watching for it.

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

"The Safeway circular has treated me very badly. They say you can taste the homestyle difference, but you cannot, and there’s no way that ham can be $8.99 per pound after I brought grocery prices to an all-time low. However, that’s nothing compared to the horrendous ham prices we saw under Biden.”

(Washington DC) White House concerns regarding the Epstein files dominating news coverage hit a new high Friday, as two television networks made large “donations” to the trump presidential library. Both networks said the donations would make sense next week.

Comedy Central, a cable channel often critical of the president, gave a $6.5 million dollar donation to the library, one of trump’s favorite methods to take money from corporations in exchange for favors or leniency. But the donation of $23.5 million from Paramount is the talk of both Hollywood and the Beltway.

“It’s South Park,” said one LA socialite at the new Spam Center opening at Alameda Mall in Beverly Hills. “Rooster and I have a bet, and I get his porche if it’s Star Trek. But everyone knows it’s South Park.” When asked what could merit the high… donation, they replied, “honey, they’ve already shown his dangle, so it has to be good. Can they steal the papers and just show pictures for 30 minutes of every page? That would be so Matt and Trey!”

Of lesser interest is the “donation” of Comedy Central, with the amount much lower than other “donations” in the recent past. Media watchers feel it could be The Daily Show. “Maybe they interview someone who knew trump when he was broke, I don’t know,” said one. “But it’s got nothing on South Park, that was $23.5 million of pure advertising. Do they have his colon scans? No one knows.”

The White House was quick to both demean both channels and accept the donations. However, cracks are appearing in their unified stand. While condemning South Park loudly, Karoline Leavitt was unusually quiet when asked of she would hold a briefing at 10pm on August 6th.

cross-posted from: https://fedia.io/m/australianpolitics@aussie.zone/t/2500227

Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has slammed reports that Australia still sells ‘weapons parts’ to Darth Vader, clarifying that any parts Australia makes for the construction of the Death Star are ‘non-lethal’.

“It is gross misinformation to say that we are in any way part of the Death Star trade just because we sell parts for it,” said Wong.

“The death laser is the lethal part. We don’t sell the laser energy. We only provide parts that help them shoot the laser beam.” [...]

(Washington DC) As Americans grow increasingly alarmed at the rising cost of goods, a new proposal is being floated in the Senate to decrease the value of money in advance, in order to stop inflation. The “Stable Bubble” amendment proposes to reduce the value of the dollar preemptively, thus preventing inflation. Responses have been overwhelmingly positive from republican voters.

“Inflation is a major problem in America,” said Leo Sturbgettter, an unemployed cow detangler from Llano, Texas. “If we can inflate before the prices, we already gonna be inflated. Then there can’t be inflation”

“It’s simple math,” he added.

Not so, says unemployed federal economist and current barrista Tony Larist. “Look I don’t have time to explain this during the rush, but what you’re describing is actually worse than inflation. Call it stoopid inflation. No, use two o’s, it’s that bad.”

When asked how the government would decrease money’s value, the president was extremely candid, apparently pleased to not be dodging Epstein questions. “We have these machines,” he said. “Money machines. All day long they make money, and when I said ‘can they go faster’ they said ‘of course, mr president,’ so I will just print double the money and everything should be fine.”

When asked where the money would go, the president answered, “oh we have places for that… now Epstein… that’s a problem, someone really should look into that.”

The Department of the Treasury would not comment on the proposed plan.