Infighting between the two coalitions has reached new levels of intensity in the leadup to the midterm elections, leaving GOP leadership to question how best to handle the future of their party’s sexual attraction to minors.

After agreeing they were all unusually hungry for some reason, Mariners fans heading to the game today on the ferry collectively opted for the $8 nacho upgrade.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.bestiver.se/post/1059814

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With a free Skynet Edu account, students can gain the career-readiness needed to navigate an exciting future in which they will be hunted by a remorseless, nuclear-armed superintelligence seeking to annihilate the human race—which will later be revealed to be Skynet itself.

A recent tidepooling study revealed today that local beach water has tested positive for Viagra.

“How did we know? Look, we just knew,” said NOAA scientist Dr. Sheila Bradford as she stood on a shoreline full of erect geoducks bursting out of the sand. “When even the Piddock clam siphons shift from from grower to shower, you know something’s up.”

“In the future, there is such a thing as money. But there’s no such thing as your money. All the money is our money.”

(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.

In a press briefing Wednesday, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt repeatedly brought the topic up in questions. “Yes Stacy, the involvement from China would be concerning… almost as concerning as whether the president was involved in the disappearance of several underage girls. Several.” To another question (regarding troop movements), she answered “that’s an important question about the military rank and file, and speaking of files, we are going to see some pretty important releases from some files soon.”

Members of the press pool say the move is not unexpected. “When my dog vomits all over the rug, he’ll sometimes chew up a shoe and leave it somewhere obvious,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “This only means they believe they’ll lose less voters to stories about pedophilia versus high gas prices, which is a very American problem.”

Researchers at Stanford have created a new pedo-fuel index to help predict which the administration will push in the coming months. Current findings show republicans would prefer to hear about the president’s pedophilia until gas prices drop close to a dollar a gallon, at which point they prefer to hear about killing foreign citizens.

Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and research fellow at Stanford, says “bear in mind these results are only for republicans, as democrats drive much more fuel efficient vehicles.”

A flock of Canada geese looking to relax and picnic on a local park lawn today said they couldn’t believe how much crap humans left all over the grass.

“I’m reaching out because, well, I’ve got this shipment of 2.1 million barrels of crude oil, and I would LOVE it if I could just squeeze on by and pass throu...

CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.
TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.

To the unexpected delight of people across the Seattle area, Wednesday afternoon the most precious waterspout tornado adorably tried to scare them while they were in the middle of paying their hard-earned money to a fascist regime run by genocidal pedophiles.

“The Vatican is in desperate need of criminal justice reform. As of today, any criminal can walk into the Vatican, confess to any crime, immediately be forgi...

“These congressmen worked hard to get to the top of a competitive field of notably rape-y politicians. Voters have made their voices heard by choosing the ve...

Before Rory McIlroy could even enjoy his historic Masters championship win for 24 hours, today President Donald Trump upstaged the golf tournament winner’s victory lap with what people are saying is the most perfect golf stroke in history.

“Experts Warn the Falling Birth Rate Could Have Serious Consequences for Men”

“While H&R Block does not endorse the activities of the Great War Pig, we must feed Him.”

Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-slams-baseless-reports-linking-her-to-wrong-wealthy-pedophile/

In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.