(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turn to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

“Oh god. Three more years. That can’t be right,” said Allee Celles, a 28-year-old waitress in Delma Washington. “Hasn’t it been three years already? Oh god. I need a drink.” This response is what producers are counting on, as alcohol purchases show sharp increases in areas already sporting the campaign’s billboards.

Some republican lawmakers are calling the ads tasteless, but others are trying to spin this campaign as a positive. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is reported to have said he’ll drink to trump every time he sees the billboards, and Americans should celebrate the administration. Campaign managers say that could be another way to view the message, but are pleased with the results either way, as sales are increased by 20% in some regions.

Another industry is piggy-backing on the message, as therapists and psychologists also see a chance to cash in. One therapist, who requested anonymity for fear of reprisals from Betterhelp, said, “three more years is terrifying, and I’m signing the papers for a beach house based on those three years. Yes, a lot of bad things are happening, but talking through your concerns at $100 per hour can help make things better.”

Regardless of their means of coping, the campaign is helping Americans realize the last ten years of insanity have occurred over ten months, and there are three exciting years remaining.

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

Government scholars note that this is not how presidential privilege works, and that a former president’s pardon cannot be rescinded. Despite that, the Justice Department is ordering Hunter Biden to prison, while lawyers make demands to the Supreme Court to correct the matter. Like most matters with trump’s inappropriate use of power, the lack of precedent is causing confusion.

Surprisingly, a great deal of pushback is coming from inside the trump administration itself, as many are concerned about the value of a pardon they may receive with a change of leadership. But trump dismisses the concerns. “They’re worried another president will cancel their pardons, but it will never happen.” The president declined to clarify what would never happen.

Ordinary Americans are unsure how to handle the announcement. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hope, Arkansas, said, “I just don’t know what to make of this. The president has insulted our allies, wrecked international trade, hurt US business, and castrated the free press. But this might mean I have to see Hunter Biden’s butt again, and I don’t like that.”

Hunter Biden could not be reached for comment, and is presumed to have left to a first world country while the matter is decided.

(Camp Pendleton, CA) As war tensions mount, disturbing pictures have been released of US Marines, sitting around tables and coloring in a map of South America. Pencils on the desks suggest the soldiers may be writing in the names of the countries, as well.

“This is very alarming,” said a Venezuelan diplomat who asked not to be named due to fear of reprisals. “This type of training goes far beyond the US preparations for the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. This suggests a long term plan for occupation, possibly for decades.”

A spokesman for the Marines said it is normal training to teach soldiers about areas in the US sphere of influence, and noted that the soldiers love the crayons. The White House also deflected the issue of the training, saying in a press release on the subject, “you’re just mad your mom never bought you crayons.”

War scholars agree this is not typical Marine doctrine, and feel Venezuela should be worried. Leo Sturbgetter, a double PhD scholar in Military Doctrine and Bovine Dispersion, said: “I would be very alarmed if I were in the leadership in Venezuela. Assuming these troops learn every country and capital in South America, they are less than 2 years from deploying to the region.”

(New York) As American warships gather and strong rhetoric flows from the White House, Americans are growing increasingly concerned they may have to find Venezuela on a map. “They do those bits on late night tv,” said Maryland Bantra of New York. “I don’t want to be the dumb ones. I’m not sure if I can find that country… and screw it if they have a globe.”

This fear is echoed by Americans around the country. “If this gets serious, I’m sure there are countries near Venezuela that will be involved. We’ll have to learn their names, maybe even their capitals,” said Frankfurt Devens of Florida. “I just got two new bosses I report to… you’re saying I have to learn their names and then some capitals. I can’t do it.”

But not everyone shares this pessimism. London Haim, a high school geography teacher, said, “this will be over really fast, and we might even wipe Venezuela off the map. My job will be even easier if that happens.”

Americans that have been to Venezuela are sad that war is imminent. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in eastern West Virginia, said “I hate to see these people suffer, but with those Epstein files out there, something has to happen. Sorry amigos.”

I respect my supporters so much that I will not wash my hands after I grope them. Not even if I hold a subway pole on my way to grope the next nearest Cuomo voter. I want to feel everyone’s grope residue forever

(Belmopan, Belize) As the White House continues threatening remarks regarding Venezuelan drug syndicates, rumors are spreading of massive all night parties, questionable sexual conduct, and similar behaviors on a number of tropical islands in the region of the US Naval deployment. Reports say thousands of military-age young men are being continuously brought to and from islands by helicopter, and several military ships matching the description of US destroyers and missile cruisers can be seen in ports cities in Grenada, Barbados, and the US Virgin Islands. The White House denies misconduct.

“The brave men and women, yes, and women, we allow it… in our navel seas are strong and brave, and fighting evil terror drug lords and their democratic masters every day,” said the president in remarks. “I have news from Pete [Hegseth] that eleven more ships that were full of drugs were destroyed only last week. Good job Pete.”

The War Department confirms that some vessels may be in port for resupply or repair, but say top Navy Admirals deny impropriety. A top aide confirmed, “the Navy leadership is headed into the war zone for a month-long fact-finding trip to confirm the reports they’ve been hearing. The Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas has been rented out for the month to serve as a headquarters for the review.”

Field commanders likewise confirm that all activities are as they should be. One Captain, who asked not to be identified for fear of retaliation, stated: “we have been racking up the numbers the White House wants, and that was the only metric we were given. Yesterday I personally saw three jet skis get destroyed trying to jump a paddle boat…. All four were reported destroyed by the brave men and women of the US Navy. Which is factually accurate.”

Islanders say the onslaught is exhausting, but profitable. “There are daily relief flights coming in with aid,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler on St. Kitts. “Cases of tequila and fresh prostitutes are flowing into the airport, as exhausted ones drag sacks of money onto departing planes. Even my detangling skills are needed at some of these orgies… which if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to one now.”

(Opp, Alabama) As the aftermath of the longest US government shut down unwinds, libertarians are reassessing their values. Long known as loud critics of the government - and for repeated calls to disband it- online libertarian communities are calling for a reevaluation of those beliefs, and advocating a world where all government goes away, but not SNAP benefits.

“Them was some hard weeks,” said Scooter Pullham, a Tuskegee resident. “Why is it the meter man comes by every time to cut your power, but the food stamps can just stop. We need to end all the people in charge, except the ones that do what we want.” He gestured to the jumper cables he uses to provide power to his trailer. “These ain’t illegal. I got them from a store parking lot.”

Scooter’s concerned are echoed strongly in libertarian circles. Shaken by the shutdown, and how food payments suddenly stopped, many now call for a limited form of government - one where they pay no taxes, follow no laws, but are given free money for food twice a month. “This really helped us crystalize our message,” said Jessup “Freedom” Strucker, a Libertarian podcaster for ‘Strucker Nation.’ “We don’t want anyone in our business or in yours… but we do want money to keep coming to us for food. We thank the government for shutting down to remind us of this… just do it again without the food part.

Part of the new messaging is a new Gadsden flag, featuring the same “don’t tread on me” slogan, but featuring a snake coiled around a box of macaroni and cheese. Strucker says libertarians are stronger for knowing where government should end, and handouts begin. “We accept that we need limited help, but that help should come from us all. When something doesn’t help us, though, you can leave that part out.”

(Washington DC) As the government reopens, the White House is reminding Americans to reduce their taxes next year by 12%, to represent the 43 days the government was closed in 2025. “Really, it should be more, but we have to keep it honest,” said Trump in remarks as he golfed at his New Jersey golf course, presumably relaxing from his golfing trip to Mar a Lago during the shut down.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavett clarified to reporters that trump meant he wished he could give a discount, but the actions of the Democrats would not permit a reduction in taxes. “Every American has been let down by them,” she stated, in remarks that were interrupted by tweets from trump, stating that taxes would be 15% less, to celebrate the ending of some tariffs.

All the confusion has left IRS and Treasury Department staff - those remaining after the shut down - confused on how to proceed collecting taxes or funding the government. Staff at both agencies suggest Americans should use the saving to invest in homes in other countries.

But many ordinary Americans consider this to be a good sign of things to come. Leo Sturbgetter, a Seattle-based co-detangler, said, “I don’t pay a lot of taxes, but I’m glad we don’t have to pay for all those people who didn’t work. All them bureaucrats is like a steering wheel on a car… you can let go for a little while, nothing bad will happen. I’m just glad my food stamps are back.”

Oh how Randy Andy, the Prince of the Nonces has fallen.

(Washington DC) As Democrats cross the aisle to reopen the government after the longest government shut down in US history, republicans have taken to the offensive. House lawmakers have presented a list of demands to take on the Senate resolution, which is required to reopen the government.

“We have the Democrats on the ropes,” said one house congressman who asked to speak off the record. “After a full month with no pay to government workers, a collapsing food aid system, and the FAA shutting down flights, this is the ideal time to demand concessions.” Demands on the list are extensive, and include introduction of certain topics of legislature without filibuster, the creation of “priority states” for receiving federal disaster aide, and attendance of closed-door Democratic meetings by republicans for “monitoring.”

Some political pundits wonder if the democrats have enough fight left in them to resist. “Some of these demands are extensive. I mean, ‘Colorado?” It just says the name of the state, nothing else. ‘Less press time’ is also there, with no explanation. It’s like they started with a set number of demands and had to fill it all in.”

Democrats decry the demands, saying they have given up everything in the fight, conceded, and now are being asked for more. “We don’t know how to negotiate when republicans don’t have the good of the American people in mind.

Republicans concur. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Colorado, said, “I can believe the Democrats are even talking about this. It’s like they don’t understand how to negotiate when we don’t have the good of the American people in mind.”

WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and protecting voting rights, congressional Democrats told reporters Wednesday they were sick and tired of being blamed for cowardice on issues that, in reality, they just didn’t care about.

“I’ve had it with being labeled spineless simply because, at the end of the day, I really don’t give a shit whether we tax the rich to help poor families or hungry children or whatever,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), stressing that his complete lack of interest in passing tough regulations for the financial services industry, supporting a Green New Deal, and ending the War on Terror hardly meant he was weak-willed or timid.

“That’s so unfair. If these were issues Democrats truly cared about, then we’d fight the Republicans tooth and nail on them. We’d even have the guts to risk the lucrative relationships we’ve formed with powerful corporations, defense contractors, and billionaire donors.

But for something like an eviction moratorium, Medicare for all, or a fracking ban? No fucking way.” Reached for comment, the hundreds of handsomely paid former Congress members now working as lobbyists and sitting on corporate boards were happy to acknowledge their utter cowardice.

(Washington DC) As democrats break ranks to end the government shutdown with no concessions, leaders for the party made clear that their actions so far will guide future actions as well. “This fight was one of many we’ll face when it comes to the needs of the American people,” said Chuck Shumer to reporters, “and we can promise Americans that this is the best they’re going to get.”

The 40-day shutdown is the longest in US history, and for over a month, essential workers have been required to work for no pay, as food subsidies ran out for low income Americans last week. Some in the party say the democrats have no direction going forward, but Schumer denies this. “Sure, we lost this fight, and the president may refuse to pay some people who worked in the shut down, and it may take months to restore food subsidies. But don’t forget what we got for our efforts.”

Republicans likewise note that they won’t stop fighting until Americans have no rights, either.

(Washington DC) As the longest shut down in US history continues, democratic lawmakers are beginning to express concern - and drop their demands - as the FAA has issued new guidance that private jet traffic may halt in busy airports across the country.

“We never expected this kind of suffering,” said one democratic Senator off the record. “We knew there would be pain, but after this, how are we going to go back to our constituents and tell them they can’t fly to Boca any time they want to. I’m getting angry calls every hour… and on the real phone, not the public one.”

“My office has a line of people’s staff waiting to complain,” said another. “Do we expect them to fly commercial? What if they get raped in first class?”

These concerns are driving democrats to concede, having left millions working without pay, and even more Americans without food, for no gain. “It makes you think,” said one House democrat. “I’ve also been here on a forced break, getting paid $6,600 a pay period while we wait, but what if I wasn’t? I feel solidarity with everyone struggling right now, and I’m sure I’ll tip my pilot a little something extra on my return to DC.”

Not all Americans are excited about the concession. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler from Oregon, wishes the shut down would continue. “There are a lot of private jets near Portland, I was hoping to live in one for a while with the shut down. At least I won a few bucks guessing when the democrats would buckle.”

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/54930015