First : sorry you are going through this.

Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.

Third : yes you have shitty people around you

The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.

Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.

Without knowing more about you, it's hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.

One possibility: you didn't cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their "intimate relationship energy" into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.

Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.

Maybe it's due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone's in their early 30s, they're probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn't leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don't already have deep ties with.

Maybe it's a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don't teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don't, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.

I'm not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won't help you as much as figuring out what to do next.

Yep.

Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.

People tend to side with the woman in a separation. Its the side effect of a patriarchal spciety: Toxic Masculinity. Men are just expected to have no emotions and can handle everything on their own, which isn't true at all.

I feel the same. My parents tells me I need to "stop crying because I'm not being 'manly' enough". Like, bruh I have a fucking existential crisis and disagnose depression and really wanna kms right now. So I get it.

The Left hasn't doen enough to address the issues that men are facing, which is why the alt-right pipeline is so ripe for picking off boys to their fascist agenda. But please, remember, fascists aren't your friends, no matter what they say. Plese don't fall for the alt-right pipeline, my friend.

I think the left just needs to recalibrate their priorities. Society issues can only be solved with true Egalitarianism that supports both Men and Women.

Unfortunately, your ex may just be better at playing the victim. And if you're US based, our legal system leans heavily in support of the ex-wife. Especially in the south east.

I know it's a cliche bit of advice at this point but you should seek therapy. I know that isn't the same as support from family and friends but based on how you seem to feel triage is what you need to aim for.

There are support groups for divorced men. I highly recommend selling them out. And if you just need to vent you can DM me. I can't promise to be constant, but I don't mind chatting when I can.

I had something similar happen when I was much younger.

When I was in the relationship, the girl manipulated all of our friends into believing I was cheating on her, giving them sob stories, and telling them about evidence she found that did not exist.

They had no reason to doubt her so they all invited her to move out from our place and in with them, I had no idea any of this was going on and when we were all together everything seemed normal.

One guy in that group of friends stood up for me and said she was full of shit but no one listened to that dude...until her lies came crashing down because I found out she was cheating on me. She left the state within a week and that friend group sat me down and told me about everything she had said and done.

My guess is your ex is similar. She's probably been playing your friends for a long time and they have no reason to doubt her.

Because you're a dude? I'm just guessing but that's kinda been my experience: Tough time? Nobody really gives a shit. Man up, tough it out, etc. All that shit. Glad you're getting counseling though, that's some fucked up shit.

Men tend to really struggle to make and maintain friendships. That's not just you. Anyone who thinks you need to "get over it" can get fucked. Healing from an experience like that takes time.

It sounds like you're already going to therapy. The other thing that helped me a lot was self-care. Be intentional about doing things that you enjoy. I spent lots of time fishing and playing golf. It was therapeutic in its own way.

Counseling. Please. Quickly.

https://988lifeline.org/

Call or text 988 for help with suicidal thoughts

Do not try to "gut" through things alone

You are heard! ❤️

I'm sorry that you're in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.

This situation that you're describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.

Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn't be given empathy or the right to be listened to.

• an an Enby I've both seen and experienced this firsthand.

It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn't have to be this way.

I unfortunately can't say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪

💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖

If possible, I'd highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I've personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻

What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?

I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.

Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.

When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.

Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.

My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.

I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.

My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)

What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.

It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.

37m going through it now. Mutual aid groups have been supporting me and providing me with community.

Its likely those people just weren't your friends or even gave a shit about your situation.

Sucks to hear that mate. Unfortunately with most breakups, many/most shared friends will “pick a side”, either by feeling like they need you or by being asked to by 1 or both of the parties. For whatever reason it sounds like your ex got most of them - possibly by lying about the relationship and break up, as cheaters tend to lie a lot.

You have to think of it this way - if this is how they behave, they weren’t real friends in the first place and you’re better off without them. It might not feel like it, but you’re better off without them.

It sounds cliche but hit the gym, unfollow and BLOCK her on everything, and invest in YOU. You’ll quickly make new friends when you want to 1 again, the gym is great for this. Working out makes you feel good, will make you healthier and better looking, and the people there are generally there for the same reasons.

I’ve been told, and from personal experience it seems right, that it generally takes about 3 years to get over someone you loved after a break up. It might suck till then, but one day you’ll just realize you don’t have any feelings at all towards them any more.

I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I'm lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.

You're doing a heavier lift than I had to. I'd have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you're on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.

I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says "she" once but don't get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.

My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

This is the reason why. Your ex has managed to control the narrative and has manipulated the social atmosphere to ice you out. Emotional abusers are often very good at this. They mamipulate everyone around them.

And they are really good at choosing their abuse victims. They know who they can love bomb, who they can isolate, and who will keep their mouth shut.

I have been there. Watched people I thought were friends just evaporate, choosing their relationship with my ex over me. Realizing they were never my friends, they were "ours", and ij the end they stuck by her, the more openly social and boistrous one.

It's taken a long time, and many different therapists, but I've come to accept my experiences as abuse, as not my fault, and... sometimes... that I am worthy of love, friendship, and happiness.

I have found the books The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (available as audio books), as well as videos on toxic shame and attachment by Heidi Prieb, very helpful.

I know the words feel hollow, because they feel so far the opposite of true, but you are not alone. Many others have been through what you've endured, and have made it out the other side. There are people out there who will, one day, be so very glad to have you in their lives.

Some day, when you're ready -- and much earlier than I did, I implore you -- you should join some activity groups. Take up a recreational sport, join a gaming group, take group acting lessons, join a choir... anything that is a) casual and b) a group activity. Bonus points if it's something you always enjoyed, buy your ex tried to excise from your life. This will help you rebuild your social network, and let you reconnect with yourself.

Physical activity and a healthy diet is also important here. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it actively helps fight all of your worst psychic injuries. Not only is it physiologically good for you, it's psychologicallly good for you. You know that it's good for you; your brain knows it. Doing healthy things means choosing to care about yourself. You need to actively choose yourself at every step of the way. It trains your mind to see yourself as worthy of care.

Oh, and ritually burn things that were hers, or that were shared and tied to your relationship. You don't need them. You don't need her. You're going to be better off without her.

OP, are you OK? I hope you're ok. It sucks what you're going through and it is hard. You got this. ❤️

I'm so sorry you're going through this, even with support coping with a divorce and abuse is an extremely tall order. I've not been through that exactly, but as someone who's been cheated on before, and has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation a couple of times, just know that she doesn't deserve that degree of control over you. You're worth more than that, and suicide isn't a good answer. Pain is not worth your long term happiness, no matter what it tells you. I know it's hard in your darkest moments, but you have to push back.

I'm glad you're in counseling, bon't be afraid if you need to get with a psych and get medication to help more, even just short term to get you over the hump. Not saying you need to, I just know some people are reluctant to take meds, but they can help sometimes.

I hope they come around though. You deserve support, and it's shitty that your friends aren't helping. This is a bit rambly, I guess the core message is you're worthwhile, you aren't a bad person, and suicide isn't a good solution.

Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren't really friends anyway.

Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.

Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.

BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.