546
DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website
(theonion.com)
Yeah I ate the onion on that headline.
People keep saying The Onion can’t compete with reality anymore, but every week or two I keep biting.
Doesn't that prove the point though? Even absurdist satire seems real because of how absurd reality has been.
The Onion makes its best social commentary when it initially fools you into thinking it’s real. The point isn’t to be absurd or trick you, it’s to hold a mirror up and make you think.
I thought it was another one of their Ctrl F removals where they unintentionally deleted a bunch of pages that used the word in other contexts.
Ate the onion for about 5 seconds. Then I was like "......wait, what's the source? .....dammit!"
Same here. I hate this time line. At some point TheOnion is going to have write real stories since we can’t tell the difference anymore.
The next 3.5 years are going to be hard for the onion. It's hard to create satire if every absurd story is reality.
Parody is indistinguishable from reality
The Onion manages to fool me again.
I don't usually eat the onion but this one got me good.
Department Of Jugs
Department of Jerks
Department of Jaundice
That’s the Oval Office.
Ovaltine Office
Department of just ice
Call it what it is. The Department of Revenge
Might as well call it "Department of" because justice has no meaning anymore
Just ICE.
I hear Ministry of Love is available.
Ministry of Truth (Social)
I felt like Truth didn't fully fit, I admit I just glanced at the wiki to remind myself of the various ministries. Here's why I chose Love for the DOJ:
"The Ministry of Love serves as Oceania's interior ministry. It enforces loyalty to Big Brother through fear, buttressed through a massive apparatus of security and repression, as well as systematic brainwashing."
Justice was always fake. Justice is just consequences imposed by the state
But I guess it was better than just ICE
AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
"They're not the same at all!"
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"
MY POINT EXACTLY.
One of my favorite scenes from Discworld. People make the mistake of treating justice and other such concepts as though they are an inherent part of existence and will spontaneously appear even when nobody chooses to uphold them. Justice is an ideal, one that does not exist in nature and cannot happen on its own. It must be upheld by those in power to exist, but what we have now is a pale shadow of the real thing held captive by the unjust and wielded with bad faith. Even those still acting in our defense are being silenced or overridden by malicious actors higher up the chain.
At some point we'll need to act if we want that word to continue meaning anything. To use another Discworld quote, "THERE IS NO JUSTICE. THERE'S JUST US."
FFS
“Justice is a discriminatory form of woke cultural Marxism that has no place in our Justice Department,” Bondi said during a press conference, adding that pro-justice policies actively divided Americans, spread misinformation, and distracted from the DOJ’s core mission. “Anyone who says that justice is our department’s strength—or that we should promote dangerous ideals that imply Americans will be treated with dignity or compassion in the eyes of the law—is sadly mistaken.”
Mistaken isn't the word, but sadly is.
Department of Jeffrey (epstein)
The j stands for jorkin it
Department of Joe
Joe who?
Joe Mama!
UP TOP 🤚
down low 🫲
Injustice Department
Just... ICE
Department of Judginess
Reminds me that Veep basically decided to end the show because headlines were starting to be more absurd than the jokes they were writing.
Department of whatever J. Stands for in Trump J. D.....wait whatever J stands for in JD!
So now it is "The Department of ____________ "
___ = moment of silence
Sound plausible in todays world.
Department of Johnsons.
Cuz they're all dicks.
this post was submitted on 14 Jul 2025
546 points (99.1% liked)
The Onion
6486 readers
853 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS