bad empanada replying with "DID THEY GET HIS SEMEN IN TIME?" to obituaries of dead israeli soldiers is such a great bit

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

fellas, idf cum jokes are not funny anymore

you have milked it to death

hohohohohohohohoh

The Hamas killcams have me convinced that George Lucas was right. Fascists cannot aim for shit and rebels are guided by the Force/Allah/Juche/etc.

A Ukrainian immigrant in Munich pooped on Bandera's grave

Auschwitz Museum posting genocide apologia.

Most of the hidden replies are pretty good. They hid a quote from Norman Finkelstein. Also apparently Israel is supposedly killing kids faster than the Holocaust.

The posting from Yemen is on another level

The Auschwitz Museum Twitter account is now blocking Jews who are criticizing them for supporting genocide in Gaza.

Edit: I don’t think I even realized just how utterly insane that sentence is. Yet somehow it’s true and barely even phased me at first.

The media still refuses to call this a "prisoner swap", it's just "Hamas liberates hostages" which clearly paints "Israel" as the winner. Cool, we're not calling it a Genocide, we're calling it a "war between Israel and Hamas", we're not reporting on the thousands of dead Palestinians, many of whom are children, we're not reporting on "Israel" continuously raiding the West Bank for random arrests and land grabs, we're not reporting on "Israel" taking fat Ls in Gaza, we're not reporting on Gaza being under complete blockade even after Oct. 7th, we're not reporting on the absolutely insane comments coming from "Israeli" officials like "Let's do a second Nakba".

This is the absolute state of the West, the Knights of Freedom and Democracy. May the West burn, may the West die. Freedom to Palestine, death to the colonial project of "Israel".

Saw some chud on twitter posted this unironically and it slaps. How do I join the Woke Army?

NYC’s public libraries are now being forced to close on Sundays due to budget cuts while the NYPD spends 95% of the Library system’s total budget ($390 million dollars) to get new encrypted radios that prevent people from knowing when the cops kill people

do the Zionists know you can just coom while you are still alive? Before going into an active warzone

Congratulations to the PRC for lasting longer than the Soviet Union.

It's kinda funny thinking about how racist whites in the mid 00s would mock black people's names and since then those same whites are naming their kids shit like Brontley and Mykeighlla

Communist theory is thousand page tomes.

Anticommunist theory is half-baked anecdotes and books for children

Good news everybody!

You'd think by now the settlers driving the tanks would realize that if a giant red arrow suddenly appears in the air above the vehicle they should move asap but nope, they don't. They're probably taking pictures of it thinking to report it to MUFON

smh my head

I keep trying to convince my wife to practice with the semen extraction tools I ordered for us, but she's so hung up on the fact that we don't want kids. Babe, when I die you are going to yearn for my genetic code to be carried on but it will be too late if you don't practice with the damn tools!

Destiny: Which part of Cuba did we came from?

Destiny's mom: My grandfather's sugar plantation

I always thought the "my grandfather slaves" thing was just a meme but no, it is not like at all. They were literally slave owners lol. Look, I gotta be fully honest here: I can't blame this piece of shit weak ass liberal man called "Destiny" for the sins of his long-dead family members, he has no control over it. However, he never truly embraced the way of liberation, he never chooses the side of the exploited and the oppressed. He, instead, became a rabid anti-communist, he is a weak man, like all liberals.

"You would've enjoyed it", that's so true though, he would have enjoyed being a slave owner.

https://nitter.1d4.us/Acid_Communist/status/1727182708663840785#m

I bet this decadent spineless man can't find Cuba on the map anyways, just like he couldn't find "Israel" (to be honest I can't either, because it's all Palestine) or thought Erdogan was the president of this so-called "Israel" thing.

voting in america is like the dialog options in a bioware game where one choice makes your character gleefully bomb an orphanage (with orphans in it ofc) and the other makes your character solemnly bow their head and apologize while dropping the bombs

ABSOLUTE MAD LADS DID IT AGAIN FOR THE THIRD TIME, EAT YOUR HEART OUT METAL GEAR!

Al-Qassam published a new footage showing its force targeting IOF vehicles & soldiers penetrating the areas of Gaza City. And for the 3rd time, destroying a military vehicle from point-blanc range!

The US right is facing a split between those who are antisemitic and hate Israel, and those who are antisemitic and love Israel

Nitter

17 more hostages rescued from Hamas control

How TV news just described the hostages being exchanged by Hamas

This conflict has been a treasure trove for examples for people teaching media literacy.

Holy shit, Yemen uploaded video of its boatjacking op:

https://streamable.com/2a1e5n

Lmao the Netherlands elected a fascist because he was anti Muslim and he immediately started improving relations with Russia.

From this interview

I can't get this tweet out of my head.

It seems inevitable that Elon Musk and the ADL will come to an understanding in which Twitter users CAN engage in virulent anti-semitism but CANNOT criticize the Israeli government, thus giving both sides what they care about most

Nitter

This whole Hamas hostages situation reminds me of when Juan Manuel Fangio, Argentinian F1 Legend, was kidnapped in Cuba in 1958 before the Grand Prix that he was to participate in. He was taken hostage by two members of the 26th of July Movement while he was in an Habana hotel, Batista saw this as massive embarrassment and sent the police after the three men, while at the same time ordered the race to begin without Fangio. The race lasted for a few laps as a big accident claimed the lives of 6 people and wounded about 40. In captivity, Fangio was allowed to listen to the race through radio and was also told by his captors in one of the hideouts that the purpose of his kidnapping was "to let the world know about our struggle" and that they never meant to cause any harm to him. After 28 hours or so in captivity, he was released unharmed. He then declared on the press that "I was treated very well" and also "felt among friends", saying "if their actions are for a good cause, then I support them". He returned to Cuba in 1981 after he accepted an invitation by Fidel and even got to speak with his former captors in a friendly manner, claiming that he holds no hostility towards them.

I guess when you seek freedom and decolonization, you don't go around murdering hostages...

Happy Thanksgiving

Hezbollah fighters responded to the request of the Lebanese Christian actor Rodney Haddad yesterday, where he specifically asked the resistance to chant 'Ya Maryam Al-Adhraa' (Oh Virgin Mary) when launching each missile, just as they do with chants like 'Ya Zahraa,' 'Ya Sahib Al-Zaman.' This is so the actor feels like he is a part of this movement supporting Gaza.

This is so unbelievably based