i have a couple of ace friends into BDSM, i myself am somewhere on the ace spectrum. And i can tell you that BDSM can be enjoyed without sex or pain, power dynamics is where the best sauce is at

Asexual ≠ Not Liking Sex

Asexual = Not Feeling Sexual Attraction

The way I usually describe it as an asexual guy is that there's basically noone I find hot. That doesn't mean they're the opposite. It just like a sense I lack or a color I can't see. I just don't feel sexual attraction. But I do still like people based on other types of attraction and sex is still fun. For me platonic attraction is the main criteria for sexual partners. It's just a fun activity between close friends like watching a movie or playing a board game.

That's not to say that there aren't asexual people who don't like sex because those people do exist, but how much a person likes sex is on the sex repulsion to sex favorable axis and is only tangentally related to asexuality.

BDSM is much less about sex and much more about the power dynamic. Kinks are, by definition, having sexual arousal from non genital things. So while asexuals might not be interested in fuckin or getting fucked, other things might cause arousal.

Lots of kinky stuff isn't sex.

BDSM != sex, even if the two are heavily connected in a lot of people's minds. I've played with both tops and bottoms that were ace/het/LGBT, and there was not anything sexual there. Hell, one of my fave experiences was bottoming for a lesbian top who enjoyed beating on dudes.

BDSM is not inherently sexual, even if there can be a lot of sexuality involved.

Sexuality in general is best seen as a spectrum, and that even applies to asexuality. I've met folks who only find sexual attraction in people they are intimately familiar with (can't whack the nasty with any random people, they gotta trust and be comfortable and familiar with a partner). Others have a complete lack of sexual interest and arousal. I, myself, do have an active libido, but no actual interest in sex itself thanks to bad events in my past.

This made me question my sanity for a moment. Apparently I was uninformed about how to spell uninformed.

Maybe she isn't explaining very well or maybe he is not believing what she says. At any rate, there is definitely communication problems here that need to be worked out ASAP if this relationship has any hope.

He would be uninformed because its a very obscure situation to be in in the real world.

I'll admit to being bias, but I have lots of ace friends. Granted I am already part of the queer community and I take your larger point that allo people would have trouble understanding this, but we are less obscure than you might think. There is a lot of shame and stigma around saying "I don't want to have sex", most people take it as an invitation to "fix you".To speak nothing of the boundary trouble allo/ace relationships have. I don't know you, but I'd bet hard cash money that someone in your life is shades of ace.

~~Why? I honestly don't get it. I want my partner to be my best friend, but I don't think about my other friends sexually even if I do love them like family.~~

~~I don't want kids so I don't think about partners in that respect. I do want them to be my last relationship though.~~

Edit: I'll leave it, but I just continued to read the comments and found an answer I understand and agree with. I just never put enough thought into it I suppose.

In fairness I think aromantic and asexual get confused a lot