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[-] niph@hexbear.net 101 points 3 months ago

Perhaps we should consider that both things can be true: she intended the compliment of “I am sexually AND emotionally to you to such a great degree that I want nothing less than marriage”; and his reaction was valid because he perceived the meaning as “I’m settling for you”.

We don’t know how this miscommunication happened. She could have phrased it poorly or said it in a weird tone. He could have misheard. He could have a ton of pre-existing conditioning and pressures that led him to place her comment in a social context that she doesn’t share.

Neither of them have to be in the wrong here. Both of them should do the work and try to understand each other better.

[-] Dolores@hexbear.net 51 points 3 months ago

both-sides

but also mao-clap completely right

[-] RION@hexbear.net 32 points 3 months ago
[-] sweatersocialist@hexbear.net 83 points 3 months ago

i'm not male or insecure but i can definitely see how this compliment might come across as her telling him he's not hot/she isn't crazy about his looks or his personality, but that he's "a good guy" and "marriage material"- which yes, those are also compliments, but in this context could be taken as backhanded. i feel like maybe she should have just said something else. i also feel like acting like men aren't allowed to have feelings or insecurities or be upset is absurd.

[-] The_Jewish_Cuban@hexbear.net 68 points 3 months ago

Lots of people in here just acting like Men aren't ever insecure about their bodies.

[-] RION@hexbear.net 50 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Hexbear: men should shirk toxic masculinity and embrace their emotions!

Also Hexbear: this man, who I have one (1) data point about, is clearly upset here because his ability to control women through sex is being undercut. This is why dating men is the worst, just toughen up and take the compliment bro!!

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[-] aaaaaaadjsf@hexbear.net 24 points 3 months ago

Or that men are unaffected by negging. Like if you break it down, this could easily be interpreted as negging, even if that was not the intention.

[-] Egon@hexbear.net 46 points 3 months ago

Yeah I don't get how people can't see the backhandedness. If you wanna say someone is a nice person, just say that, you don't have to add that you're not sexually attracted to them. It's weird to add that you wouldn't consider your partner as a potential hook-up, if you're trying to complement them.

[-] Diuretic_Materialism@hexbear.net 22 points 3 months ago

I've encountered a weird thing with some sexual partners where they seem to think it's shallow to acknowledge that they find you physically attractive as well as emotionally attractive.

But like, it's a sexual relationship, are bodies are part of it, it'd be weird if we were plutonic friends but enjoying each others bodies is part of our relationship here so I don't see how it's shallow for us to express our enjoyment of each others bodies to one another.

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[-] DavidGarcia@feddit.nl 63 points 3 months ago

please, no reddit relationship advice posting. my brain is already severely permanently damaged

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[-] Aru@lemmygrad.ml 58 points 3 months ago

Can't really judge neither of them based on this text alone, not enough information, we don't know the tone of how she said it, their relationship in the 2.5 years and their lives before, we don't know these people's faces or names or even if they broke up yet or got over it, if it's an insult or a compliment depends on their life. He could've been insecure about his looks and was bullied because of it throughout his life, or he could be a manipulative person with crocodile tears, and maybe this is all an AI reddit bot posting something controversial for Karma, we can't really judge much.

[-] aaaaaaadjsf@hexbear.net 57 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

You'd have to be incredibly obtuse to see such a thing as a compliment. It sounds backhanded and almost like she's negging him. Like you'd have to consider men as emotionless robots with no deeper feelings or thought to see this as compliment. Oh wait, that's how society sees men! And you'd have to know nothing about male gender roles and expectations to not see how this could be insulting. Imagine wanting to spend the rest of life with someone (in this case a man), and knowing this little about their gender identity. And I say this as someone that's dated men. I don't know, maybe this is all incredibly obvious to me as a man or something, because I cannot see how that would be a compliment.

[-] Barabas@hexbear.net 33 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

The way it could be interpreted as a comliment is that fwb or hookup is too shallow and she wouldn't be able to keep it at that level. But it is very badly worded if so. Just say "You're the kind of man I would like to marry" instead, adding in the fwb and hookup stuff before adds nothing to the compliment.

[-] Egon@hexbear.net 23 points 3 months ago

Also if that's what you're trying to say then saying "I wouldn't hook up with you. I would marry you" is a really weird way of saying it, because you're expressing an inability to settle, so you'd want to use the word "couldn't" probably

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[-] Moonworm@hexbear.net 46 points 3 months ago

There's a little undercurrent here of "Toughen up, men" you obviously misinterpreted this and you're a little baby for being upset. Sorry, but that's the same toxic masculinity bullshit that everyone decries in the abstract.

[-] aaaaaaadjsf@hexbear.net 36 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I mean it's pretty much the cycle whenever men have legitimate issues about something in the cisgender heterosexual dynamic. (So glad I'm not a part of that). From my observations, it starts like this:

1- Someone asks men why they don't do X thing or why they think in a Y way. (In this case thinking that such a compliment is backhanded and insulting)

2- Men answer why. (Explaining why they view it this way)

3- Some women who don't like the answers, proceed to shame and try convincing the men into believing they're the ones wrong, or acknowledge that it's a legitimate issue but deflect the blame by saying "not all people do this".

4- Guys see no reason to do or think any different than before and their beliefs are often reinforced. (Gender polarisation increases between men and women).

5- Go back to number 1 and start over.

It's literally the same cycle over and over.

[-] Diuretic_Materialism@hexbear.net 33 points 3 months ago

Yeah as a (mostly) het man this is a toxic dynamic I've encountered. I had one partner straight up say to me (paraphrasing a bit) "well I experience emotions more intensely than you so you have more a responsibility to be sensitive to me than I to you".

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[-] TheDoctor@hexbear.net 23 points 3 months ago

Yeah, it’s easy to feel like the answer is to toughen up when that’s historically been the answer to everything. I fully believe that deconstructing patriarchal masculinity happens through healing of the emotional wounds that patriarchy inflicts on us through understanding and kindness. I also believe that everyone deserves to have their feelings validated. I don’t know if this space is the ideal place for all of that to happen, but if people are trying to use it that way I’m happy to participate.

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[-] invalidusernamelol@hexbear.net 41 points 3 months ago

If they've been together almost 3 years and this is his response to something as innocuous as "I take this relationship seriously" she dodged a bullet.

[-] RNAi@hexbear.net 60 points 3 months ago

No wait, the joke is that he understood her phrase as "I'm not really sexually attracted to you, but you feel good enough to settledown"

When she actually meant: "I don't obly want to fuck you but also grow old with you, etc"

[-] invalidusernamelol@hexbear.net 38 points 3 months ago

Oh I know. I also know guys who misinterpret a relationship maturing as it dying and I'm just saying that if she's seeing it mature and he just thinks it's all about jumping bones, then there's some really serious lack of communication there.

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[-] AmarkuntheGatherer@lemmygrad.ml 39 points 3 months ago

Beyond not being able to truly judge a situation based on so little information, this is the single post of a throwaway account which then made no edits to the post or replies to any of the comments. Maybe it's just me, but I always assume these cases are someone trying their writing skills or something of the sort.

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[-] SpiderFarmer@hexbear.net 35 points 3 months ago

Yeah, it's an overreaction to be sure, but I'm not sure I'd like hearing, "I wouldn't give you a second glance if I saw you in the wild" either. Could be they were already going through some stuff and that was the final straw.

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[-] Angel@hexbear.net 30 points 3 months ago

I don't like heterosexuality.

[-] Egon@hexbear.net 30 points 3 months ago

Men are silly and stupid for never opening up or having feelings or being hurt or sad.

Look at this dude being sad because his partner said something hurtful. Dude should just toughen up! She obviously didn't mean it that way, he's just a big baby.

[-] corgiwithalaptop@hexbear.net 29 points 3 months ago

Locking this thread.

[-] Granita@hexbear.net 29 points 3 months ago

lamest struggle session yet

[-] RNAi@hexbear.net 28 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

124 comments / 58 upvotes

Lmao

[-] Aru@lemmygrad.ml 26 points 3 months ago

if only they got this engaged at something important like Five nights at Freddy's lore

[-] Aru@lemmygrad.ml 27 points 3 months ago

Everyone here is siding with who they self inserted themselves into

[-] kristina@hexbear.net 25 points 3 months ago
[-] frankfurt_schoolgirl@hexbear.net 24 points 3 months ago

How is this not a huge compliment? Dating men is literally the worst cause they are like this.

[-] RION@hexbear.net 57 points 3 months ago

It's very easy to read as "I don't find you super attractive but you seem like someone I could settle for once I'm done playing the field"

Her intent seems to be more "I don't think I could have hooked up with you and moved on because of how special you are to me" but she phrased it in an ambiguous way

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[-] HexBeara@hexbear.net 30 points 3 months ago

Amab. I get it but it sounds backhanded af. Like you're with him more for security, comfort, resources, and less for personality or physical attraction (which isn't the end all be all, but can help a person, y'know, get there). And it could be a multitude of things but idk saying that you wouldn't boink your partner if they were in a line up of boinkable dudes while you were in a period that you really wanna boink doesn't necessarily feel good. "I don't want to have casual relations, but I would really like to marry you (for your womb to birth my offspring though)" - some strawman idk

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[-] Egon@hexbear.net 29 points 3 months ago

"I would not consider you a sexual partner, were it not for our pre-existing social relationship" isn't really something I'd consider a compliment.
That is how I understand what is being said, and my understanding comes largely from the fact that FWB is also denied as a possibility, since that is also a long-term social relationship, but one based primarily on raw sexual attraction rather than social dynamics.
I've seen other say it also comes off as saying you're "settling" for the same reasons.

I see people saying variations of "what they mean is that they couldn't just be FWB". That's not what is being said though, and that meaning is lost in the way it is phrased. That would have been a compliment though.

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[-] KnilAdlez@hexbear.net 24 points 3 months ago

I think every one earth wants to be considered hot, smart, and funny. If your partner says something that comes off as suggesting you are not one of those things, it can be hurtful.

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this post was submitted on 11 Aug 2024
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