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WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

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[-] SmoothLiquidation@lemmy.world 213 points 1 year ago

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

[-] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 38 points 1 year ago

"This isn't trashy enough to be a story about her."

gets to end

"There we go."

[-] b_crussin@programming.dev 23 points 1 year ago

For real. That did it for me 😂

[-] TheJims@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago

Finishing on her tits costs extra

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[-] Steveanonymous@lemmy.world 93 points 1 year ago

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

[-] Master@lemm.ee 56 points 1 year ago

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions...

[-] mihnt@kbin.social 48 points 1 year ago

You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?

[-] Meuzzin@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago

If you've ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you'd realize your theory is close than you think. But I'd go 5, not 6...

FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.

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[-] quaddo@reddthat.com 11 points 1 year ago

Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:

Yeah

Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)

And when you're on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three

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[-] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 12 points 1 year ago

I'm just upset I don't live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

[-] Fuzzy_Dunlop@lemm.ee 10 points 1 year ago

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

[-] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 15 points 1 year ago

Meh, well I'll take what I can get.

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[-] x4740N@lemmy.world 93 points 1 year ago

I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

[-] AFKBRBChocolate@lemmy.world 31 points 1 year ago

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

[-] _thrax@lemmy.world 27 points 1 year ago

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

[-] PatFussy@lemm.ee 15 points 1 year ago
[-] Orbituary@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago

"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.

[-] asteriskeverything@lemmy.world 14 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

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[-] nomecks@lemmy.world 50 points 1 year ago

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

[-] Fuck_u_spez_@sh.itjust.works 32 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we've all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

[-] babatazyah@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

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[-] Vince@lemmy.world 46 points 1 year ago

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

[-] adhocfungus@midwest.social 16 points 1 year ago

Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.

[-] quicksand@lemm.ee 10 points 1 year ago

Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance

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[-] Anticorp@lemmy.ml 32 points 1 year ago

It's pretty crazy that I wasn't sure if this was The Onion at first.

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[-] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 29 points 1 year ago

I mean, the new job isn't working out; might as well go back to the old one.

[-] GreenMario@lemm.ee 26 points 1 year ago

Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol

[-] expatriado@lemmy.world 18 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it

[-] philomory@lemm.ee 11 points 1 year ago

The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.

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[-] Colour_me_triggered@lemm.ee 20 points 1 year ago

She's morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won't stop her.

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[-] TheFonz@lemmy.world 20 points 1 year ago
[-] tacosplease@lemmy.world 18 points 1 year ago

Guilty as charged. She's both terrible, and terribly sexy. I'm ashamed but nonetheless here we are.

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[-] mrbonejangles@lemm.ee 19 points 1 year ago

That’s up to $20 worth of value free!

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[-] yoz@aussie.zone 19 points 1 year ago

God she's hot! I am into dumb MILFs.

[-] x4740N@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago

Don't stick your dick in crazy

[-] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 15 points 1 year ago

No, you can. Just don't give crazy your real name and number

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[-] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 16 points 1 year ago

She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.

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[-] PetDinosaurs@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

She's not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren't such a shit heel, I wouldn't kick her out.

(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)

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[-] vivavideri@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago

You know, as someone without a penis, I just don't think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.

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[-] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 16 points 1 year ago

Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I'm just gonna lay that out there right now.

[-] jackpot@lemmy.ml 15 points 1 year ago

hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i'll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i'll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we're not doing an audit

[-] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 14 points 1 year ago

Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don't think you've got what it takes to get me there, but you're welcome to try.

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[-] nicene@lemmy.one 15 points 1 year ago

Has she accounted for optimal tip to tip efficiency?

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Like my mother always said, if she's willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.

[-] chriscrutch@lemm.ee 11 points 1 year ago

That was my mother's favorite saying too. Rest in peace, Mom.

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Honestly, this is the best Onion headline I’ve seen in a while

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this post was submitted on 26 Sep 2023
1057 points (97.8% liked)

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