My neighbor's aunt is a prostitute and I paid her to lick my acorn a few weeks ago for my birthday, I bet this is hers. She had some pretty whacked out teeth but it wasn't because they were bad, she just had some kind of experimental glow in the dark tattoo of her name on them. She's my favorite hooker in the whole wide world.

After my vasectomy I stopped jacking off to the Teletubbies and started making my own NFTs featuring Mr Burns telling Smithers to suck his dick. Best decision I ever made, can't reproduce and I made a ton of money. It's a shame I didn't get to live to enjoy it all, 3 days ago I died from an overdose in a Walmart fitting room.

When I was 6 years old I met RFK Jr and he told me the RFK stands for Real Fuckin' Kool and I knew from that moment that anyone who spells cool with a K is a total wanker.

I don't know what this is about but I just finished making a batch of shlongrolls for my lunches this week. They're like egg rolls, you scramble some egg and stuff it into your foreskin and surprise a special woman or man at work with a tasty snack.

I met this Tiger once who was a total brony and he wouldn't stop telling me about his collection of my little pony toys, he even showed me his my little pony fleshlight custom designed for Tiger dong. For some reason he was really proud of it but I just thought he was a weird wanker. I don't want to meet any more tigers.

I've got one of these that my grandma made for me when I was 7. She used to go scavenging for dead animals in the local parks for taxidermy purposes and she made me one with various parts she found of Cardinal, Robin and squirrel paws. It's the cleanest soap dispenser I've ever used and now that I'm almost 50 I still use it every day. My wife hates it because it's old and falling apart so I told her when she dies I'll have a taxidermist turn her into a new one.

My local brothel serves eggs bonerdicked for breakfast on Sundays before church and I've been requesting corn for months now but they never put it on the menu, it's distressing

Wrong Island, you wanted pepstein Island owned by the original Pepsi recipe creator Geoff Pepstein

I've got electric lights in my house too but you don't see me giving them to plants do you?

Guess I'll never get into Jay's bone zone. Love you Doug.

My nephews mom sent me one of these on Facebook once and I absolutely lost it because it was the same day that my coworker invited us all for a game of "five beers of defiance" but when we got there she roped us into a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a gun it was a beaker of piss.

She said some guy named Tom was kind enough to provide it and assured us that it was not in fact Tom from MySpace but rather a completely different person named Tom(who knew it was such a common name?).

Anyway we're all stuck there and the next bus doesn't come for 3 and a half more hours so we decide we'll play. Well this coworker failed to tell everyone that she has this disgusting pet turtle who likes to lick the laminate flooring in her living room so everyone's all pretty disgusted at this point and not really feeling the game of piss beaker roulette. We all wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday and go wait out in the rain for the bus. Longest 3 and a half hours of my life and when the bus finally arrived the driver's mom who was sitting in the passenger seat gave us shit for being soaking wet.

You know I used to think ai was pretty cool because I read a lot of sci-fi and in most sci-fi ai is a very useful tool but now that I've been living in reality for a good 2 years I've noticed that maybe this ai just isn't very nice. It's like that time I meet weird ai Yankovic and thought it was the real Weird Al but all he did was regurgitate edgy talking points and send me videos of giant boobed women dancing.

Needless to say, Bob Barker was pretty cool.