Picture all the most charming and likable people you know. Think about their style, their personalities, and their strengths. Got them firmly in mind? OK, now I am going to ask you a question: What do they have in common?
I’m going to bet the answer is often, “Not much.”
I personally know magnetic introverts, charismatic talkers, strivers who impress with their acumen and ambition, and free spirits who dazzle with their artistic quirkiness. Top actors, CEOs, politicians, founders are all incredibly diverse. Arnold Schwarzenegger is undeniably charming, but so is Keanu Reeves.
Which puts the lie to a lot of formulaic advice on “how to be more likable.” Clearly, there isn’t a single trait or style that makes someone charming. But a pair of interesting new studies suggest there may be one thing that all the most magnetic people have in common: self-confidence.
The first of these studies comes from a pair of Canadian researchers and was recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The title of the paper kind of gives away its conclusion: “Like Yourself, and Others Will Follow.”
The researchers gave a standard test to evaluate self-esteem to two groups of around 300 participants. They then arranged for one group to participate in a speed dating event and another to attend friendly get-to-know-you sessions. Afterward, all the participants rated how much they liked the people they were paired with.
What did they discover? Here’s how the British Psychological Society Research Digest blog sums up the findings: “When people accurately perceived the personality of someone with low self-esteem, whether in a romantic or platonic setting, they liked them less.”
That might sound harsh to the great many people who struggle with their self-esteem. It certainly won’t help anyone relax to know that, if people correctly spot your struggles, you’re going to be less likely to get a date, meet a friend, or close a sale. Just knowing that science confirms low self-esteem makes you less likable doesn’t suggest anything practical you can do about it.
A second study suggests a workaround
But another study out of Columbia University and Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management, recently published in the same journal, does. This research didn’t look at just whether low self-esteem makes you less charming, but sought to identify why and what to do about it.
The question behind the research was simple: When people worry they are low status, how does their behavior change? And how does that consequently affect their status? But the methods the team used to explore this question were creative and complex.
The psychologists designed no fewer than 16 separate studies evaluating a range of situations where people’s status anxiety might affect their behavior, from speeches on the reality show Survivor (surprisingly, this is not the first time psychologists have examined the show) to business pitches in front of more or less skeptical audiences.
The same pattern showed up again and again. When people are more worried about whether they are liked and respected, they are less likely to share credit or graciously acknowledge the help or contributions of others. Others spotted their stinginess and as a result their status sank further.
The team calls this “the vicious cycle of status insecurity.” The day-to-day takeaway for entrepreneurs is crystal clear.
A Columbia research brief sums up the lesson of the study according to one of its co-authors, Adam Galinsky: “Failing to share credit or admit receiving help doesn’t make you look like a lone genius; it makes you look selfish and insecure. Attempts to claim credit for yourself, and to treat collaborations like competitions, mostly backfire, further reducing your status.”
The simple secret to being more likable
Put these two studies together and what do you get? A pretty clear picture of how people handicap their chances of being liked. Others notice when you don’t like and trust yourself, and they like you less as a result. The opposite is also true. Introverted, arty Keanu shares almost nothing with sunny muscleman Arnie. Except both seem confident being themselves.
That’s a harsh truth for those without such natural ease. Unshakeable self-worth is a whole lot of reflection (or therapy) away for a lot of us. But that doesn’t mean this insight is useless until you conquer social anxiety and self-doubt. There is something you can do to instantly improve your chances of coming across as confident in yourself and therefore more magnetic to others: share credit and lavish on the praise.
The more willing you are to pick other people up and acknowledge those who have helped you, the more people see you as comfortable and self-confident. And the more people believe you like yourself, the more they will like you.
