All you authors, columnists, and other motherfuckers not using the Oxford comma are now in big trouble.

I'll go for a serious answer.

When driving, particularly on freeways and highways, everyone must now leave a lot of space between them and the car ahead proportional to how fast they are going - even in heavy traffic. And they must allow a car that is signalling properly to merge into their lane. (But not like a bunch of cars at a time of course)

Everyone must also start to decelerate as soon as they see brake lights ahead or notice slowing, but they have more space (starting further back in the road), so won't have to decelerate as strongly as the car ahead is and will reach a higher minimum speed or be stopped for less time when the car ahead starts accelerating again.

I believe this would mostly end stop-and-go traffic and smooth out all slow traffic (increasing fuel economy and reducing stress) by reducing/eliminating traffic waves. Probably even increase average speeds (but I'm less sure about that)

Your way is now the right way.

My way was always the right way!

Everyone must now put off literally EVERYTHING until the very last minute.

there is no more light mode for anything at all

Toilet paper only goes on horizontal rollers with the flap facing down in the front of the roll. No more feeling the back of the roll to find the loose end.

The proper spelling is indeed Rebekah. Also, chili is eaten over rice or mashed potatoes and always has beans. All cats have an infinite amount of names, none of which they respond to and most of which are very situational.

For close to 20 years now my wife and I have bought twin sized flat sheets and blankets for our king bed. We're both blanket hogs and now we get to be by not sharing. People used to look at us like we were crazy when we mentioned it, but I hear more and more people doing it and even saw and article calling it the "Scandinavian method" or something else pretentious sounding.

We've been doing it so long I feel like we invented it, even though that's a silly idea. But I am half Scandi so, you know, maybe it was named after me.

Petty and minor, huh?

• Dates are now YYYY-MM-DD (2025-02-25) for the short form, and dddd, YYYY mmmm DD (Tuesday, 2025 February 25) for the long form.

• Time is now written in 24-hour notation (14:44:41)

• The first paragraph in a section doesn't have indentation, but all succeeding paragraphs do. For example:

  Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.  Vestibulum quis velit aliquet, accumsan eros id, tincidunt lorem.  Integer ac arcu elit.  Sed efficitur mi vitae viverra egestas.  Quisque sed varius nisi.  Vestibulum in cursus diam.  Ut pharetra quis nibh at semper.  Integer dictum leo eu velit condimentum, a varius mi tempor.  Sed at nunc lacinia, consequat eros sed, fringilla quam.  Proin pulvinar ante ac ipsum suscipit dictum.  In libero augue, tristique iaculis libero in, bibendum eleifend massa.  Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.  Suspendisse a risus non lacus pellentesque molestie congue non risus.  Quisque ut condimentum dui.
  
      Aenean dictum leo at commodo accumsan.  Vestibulum ullamcorper diam et arcu bibendum maximus.  Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.  Suspendisse porta libero sed nisi aliquam volutpat.  Nam rutrum, odio quis ultricies blandit, elit metus pulvinar diam, non condimentum tellus arcu sed eros.  Praesent nunc tellus, aliquam vitae leo sed, pellentesque placerat ex.  Aenean tincidunt libero magna, sed sagittis neque facilisis id.  Vivamus quis lectus nunc.
  
      Donec lacinia, dolor sed eleifend volutpat, massa dui elementum risus, congue sagittis tortor sem sed neque.  Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.  Pellentesque tempor risus arcu, a dapibus risus tristique in.  Ut sapien est, placerat ac lectus non, scelerisque feugiat nisi.  Nam nec luctus nibh.  Aenean id ultrices risus.  Phasellus magna enim, sodales sit amet nisi id, interdum interdum neque.  Sed scelerisque scelerisque lobortis.
  

• There are two spaces after a full stop, except when occurring at the end of a paragraph where there should be none.

• They will be used as a generic non-gendered pronoun and will be the default along with one. For example:

  • “Someone sent me an e-mail, but I am not sure they meant to send it to me.”
  • “Really, one should make sure the e-mail address is correct before sending an e-mail.”

• Functions that are called in other functions will be declared before any function that calls them.

• Functions should be around twenty lines long, and at most have three levels of nesting. Functions that are too long or have too much nesting should be revised and broken up into two or more functions.

• Code indentation (tabs) should be set to four spaces.

• Code will be formatted as follows.

  function (params) {
      // code
      }
  

EDIT:

Formatting

Wrong: cleaning ass only with toiler paper.

Right: Using a bidet after pooping.

Your asses will thank me.

Extra points for petty, minor things.

Fine.
Only using even numbers for volume or brightness. No handshakes (between humans). No unsolicited hugs. No greetings. No Christmas, new years eve, Halloween, birthdays, etc. (only regular days). No loud talking (if any) on public transport. No phone calls or video calls. No purchases of digital goods (be it media or software) that doesn't come on a physical copy. No buying from Nestle. Avoiding supermarket membership "discount" (read: "data collection") programs.

Education. Critical thinking will now be taught in elementary school. Economics in middle school. And philosophy in high school.

Stop using toilet paper to wipe your ass. Only water.

TV series now have 25 episodes a season.

Five season minimum.

All TV series are released on physical disc after one year (the creator of the show can choose a smaller amount of time if they want, but never longer). After one year it MUST BE on disc.

Blu-ray Disc at a minimum. Can choose 4k if the creator of the show wants. Can do both.

Federal penalties if the show is cancelled early.

Next

All devices that require an always on connection, must have a patch to allow the device to work if the server is ever pulled offline.

Subscription based services must provide an actual benefit. Not a “well the company wants more money so they’re just going to create a subscription service”… looking at the companies that make heated steering wheels in cars subscription based.

GOOD FUCKING BYE, JAVASCRIPT AND HTML!!!!

Shine on, Gemini!

Turn on your turn indicator, take a few seconds to check that the lane is clear, then proceed

Turn it off and on again before asking someone for help

Look up the word in the dictionary instead of just assuming you know what it means from context and usage

Using comments as an excuse for writing shitty code.

Tabs are better than spaces

Duodecimal is provably superior, and the world now uses it instead of decimal. This means that the metric system is now base-12, and inches, feet, and yards are the common units.

Surprising to many people, very little else changes.

• Analog clocks stay the same
• There are still 12 months in the year
• Your eggs still come in dozens
• There are still 30 divisions of 12 degrees in a compass.
• There are still 12 face cards in a deck of cards
• Humans still have 12 pairs of ribs
• A bouquet of roses still has 12 flowers
• A box of doughnuts still comes with 12 doughnuts
• Colas still come in half-dozen packs, and boxes of cola still usually come in a dozen.
• Muffin trays still bake 12 muffins
• Packs of toilet tissue are still sold in some multiple of a dozen: ½-dozen, 1 dozen, or 2 dozen.

Meanwhile, everyone learns they can count to 12 on one hand, and to 144 using both hands.

Football is defunded, everyone watches pro wrestling now instead

We're eating nachos with forks

The only music that matters is metal and everything else is canceled

Nobody is allowed to say "eepy" anymore.

Everyone's self employed and stops complaining about their boss

Everyone picks up a new random hobby every few months, spirals into self hatred about not being amazing at it with no practice or research, and adds another box of crap to the closet.

Everyone is frugal and likes (or is okay with) nitpicky, complicated things like PoE skill trees, taxes, and investing.

No one has any pubes any more.