“This isn’t Mars? You’re not martians? Ah fuck you, you’re martians.”

Hmm, so they were aiming for something else, but got here instead because they had crank theories about the shape of the universe? (Columbus thought Earth was egg-shaped instead of a sphere, like everyone had correctly thought since the time of ancient Greece)

They call us something translating to "the Andromidans".

Translated to English, probably “Name-of-Star” 3, as in 3rd planet from our star, same system as Star Trek. The key difference is Columbus had no idea where he was going, and aliens have to know exactly where they’re going. Can’t shoot into space and find a planet by accident.

If we're going by Columbus logic, probably "Jupiter"

“This Land”.

The Wet Ball of Trash

Water planet with cancerous hairless simian population.

their new colony

Probably not Alienia

Are the aliens going to rape and enslave?

Open season on the tasty meat creatures

"Planet of the money-crazy hairless apes that can't relax"

Or "Klaus"...

Meat Packing Facility #173

Shithead

Salty Water Ball With Some Dirt Patches

The call it "Dirt". There was a misunderstanding with the word "Earth" and it got translated to soil or dirt, so they picked "Dirt".

Class 13 Death World

Blue Marble probably

Probably some Italian gibberish.

Editè Frignim

A fixer-upper.