If you are really interested in learning more about infidelity I would suggest you read / listen to Dan Savages's columns / podcast. Unsurprisingly there are a lot of different calls and discussions about fidelity and monogamy. I would also suggest you read Ester Perel groundbreaking novel The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

To answer your question directly infidelities are fairly common because monogamy is difficult and society typically puts a lot of stress and pressure on monogamy that makes it even more difficult. The foremost is the idea that monogamy as a default setting and that one person can be everything for one person sexually, emotionally etc.. So we have a situation where two people are assuming that their partner will be the only person they can be attracted to, the one person that can fulfill all their emotional needs and will have to be a perfect roommate / life mate. This coupled with the idea that you have to be perfect at monogamy or you are a complete failure at it. So you have a hard situation and hard expectations so people slip and some people who slip on something small (a micro-cheating which is a ridiculous concept) they go all the way. All these expectations are common in "Straight-land" while those in "queer-land" have a different set of expectation that work better for everyone.

We should all make monogamy an regular opt-in conversation for relationships (I would suggest ~6 months in when you go exclusive and then at most every 5 years). Moreover, we should understand our monogamist partner finds other people attractive and chooses to not pursue anything not that they don't find anyone else attractive. Finally, we should understand a our partner needs friends, hobbies and confidant who are not us to rely on. Until that happens "cheating" will likely remain something that happens fairly regularity

Welcome to The Against Matrimony Club, we have mimosas.

Cheating makes stories, gets talked about by both sides and is overall contentious. Fidelity is literally having nothing to tell, so when a cheater talks, it seems like everyone is cheating, but that is far from the truth.

Tw: child rape, abuse, drugs, cults, alcoholism, all kinds of random stuff.

Nah that person's a piece of shit. Everybody laughing could be in a state of internal WTF JUST LAUGH ALONG or actually be part of whatever shitty culture. A lot of places legitimately don't see how this is just insanely bad emotional maturity.

Remember though, people are VERY dynamic... Whenever you think you know the range of what people are like, just remember that you're wrong and you ain't seen nothing yet, and there are still far more conservative and far more liberal, and far smarter, and far dumber, and far more messed up stuff out there.

I dated a dude last summer that was telling me about a trans girl he dated years ago that grew up in a trailer park, hooked on meth, and was habitually raped by adults her whole life and everybody in that meth cult thought it was normal.

I've known wealthy people who were good people, wealthy people who were bad people, poor people who grew up and embraced greed and became rich, slum lords, teachers that cheat on each other and end up trading spouses and remarry. Old retired people having orgies, bdsm people who want to be whipped bloody to get off, and also 40 year old virgins and people who will never, ever find anybody because of circumstances and they think it's okay. Forgiving people, people who hold grudges, people who judge blindly, people who live in their own world of privilege, people who are miserable from listening to nothing but npr, sociopath guys who want to get with me, girls who flirt with me but rob me, people absolutely addicted to drugz nonstop everyday but otherwise are perfectly functional members of society, people with iq of 50, people with iq of 170. Families that behave like Mafia and families that behave like community leaders. Families that barely resemble families

There is always a bigger fish in the pond. There is always somebody who pushes your understanding of what an npc can be. Everybody's so incredibly different, yet in a certain light, we are all the same.

My point is, be yourself. If it sounds off to you, then it isn't a good fit for you. Use your best judgement, try to think deeply to define your morality by reading some simple philosophy - or not. You're special and unique and that's okay. Life is a long journey of finding what you like and what likes you back. It really is worth standing up for what you believe in, but also try to keep an open mind and at least truly understand what other people's lives are like. But you still need to put your own mask on before you can help others. And remember, it's your life, it truly is what you make of it.

People are all dumb though and make mistakes. We're just animals, all learning by making our own mistakes. Some not learning, some deciding that they want power, others deciding on bizarre motives.

You do you, and pave your own way. Be honest with yourself though, that'll save you a lifetime of time.

I think it would be less common if people accepted that monogamy is not the norm. Just be honest with yourself and your partner(s). If you want a monogamous relationship - commit to it. If not - don't start one. I found out that I am polyamorous the hard way by thinking I am some kind of monster because I couldn't just be with one partner. I did not cheat but kind of always had other love interests. Fortunately, my partner of 20+ years now was able to accept this as part of me. And now there is no risk of cheating for either of us because we can just be honest if there is someone else. It doesn't change my love for him, it even made our bond stronger because it needs even more loyalty and acceptance of the needs of your partner to let them be.

Married 20 years, never thought abut cheating, got divorced , and remarried 15 years now, and never think about cheating. If you commit to somebody, they should be your one and only, IMO.

No, people who commonly do bad things, will often justify it to themselves and others by thinking most people do the same thing. And despite their protesting and arguing, they're pretty much always wrong.

I've heard more than one petty thief confidently claim that "everyone" steals something like a candybar when they go to the store. And it's why there are so many stories of cheaters accusing their partner of cheating.

My understanding is that infidelity is very nearly binary in its commonality.

There are groups of people for whom infidelity is normal, it is the norm. They believe that everyone cheats, and in their experience everyone does, because they are cheaters and are friends with cheaters. They believe that fidelity is impossible, and claims to the contrary is just social posturing

Then you have groups of people for whom infidelity is basically unthinkable. That it is the greatest breach of trust possible. It is not just not normal, it is non-existent— you don’t cheat, your partner doesn’t cheat, your friends don’t cheat, no one you know cheats. If someone you know cheats, or someone known by someone you know cheats, it is legitimately horrifying: this is not merely social posturing, it is literally shocking to you, because in your world, cheating simply does not happen. It is horrible.

Cheaters think everyone cheats. Non-cheaters believe no one cheats, or only horrible people cheat. These two groups tend to self sort themselves into groups. Bad things happen when the two groups intermingle, in fact.

What’s also a tragedy is when someone who would naturally be in the non-cheating group ends up, mistakenly, in a cheating group. They will begin to feel like everyone ELSE in the world cheats, while they themselves never would. They keep getting hurt, they keep getting betrayed, and they don’t understand why. They need a better friend group… and let me be clear: non-cheating groups ABSOLUTELY EXIST. Those groups simply don’t interact with cheating groups— they basically don’t even know that the cheating groups exist, and would be horrified to find out. So if you’re caught up in a cheating social circle, getting out is really hard! You need to find people who have literally nothing in common with the people you already know!

It kinda sucks. I don’t know a solution.

I personally don’t cheat, wouldn’t cheat, being Demi/ace. But unfortunately everyone around me either cheats or has an open relationship then gets jealous when their SO gets some action. A lot of them have STDs.

For some people it is pretty common. For others, it isn't. The thing is: the people that treat it as a common everyday thing expect that to be the case for everyone - so if you interact with them routinely, you'd probably think that everybody is out to cheat at all times, but that's definitely not the norm.

Cheating is like divorce it's common if you look at the percentage of relationships. They are both less common if you look at at individuals. Cheaters always cheat again, those who get divorced often do so again.

Infidelity is somewhat common but I would say it’s not “normal” at all to openly discuss and laugh about it at dinner with a bunch of people that you haven’t seen for years.

Seriously- wtf is wrong with these people? That one person sounds especially horrible.

Also - don’t go to any more reunions. I’ve managed to avoid 40 years of that shit and I like to believe that I’m happier for it!

Some people are just shittier than others. What they look like on the outside has no bearing on their inner beauty.

In my experience yes.

My ex was always rambling about how men were always unfaithful, "oops I slipped and my dick ended up inside her" she used to say, to describe how easily men are unfaithful. She made it absolutely clear she wanted a monogamous relationship.
I was never unfaithful to her, but of course it turned out she was herself unfaithful numerous times, and it was crazy how bad she was at hiding it, almost like she wanted me to break up. So I did, and good riddance!!!
Later when I was moving in with a new girlfriend, and I was collecting some of my things at my ex, she was all dressed up, and all over me, kissing me and trying to win me back. She tried to kiss me on my mouth but I turned my head so it was on the cheek.
My girlfriend was waiting in the car outside, and she saw the lipstick on my cheek when I came back, obviously not too happy about it. But I explained it was all my ex and not me.
Lucky for me she didn't ditch me, and later my new girlfriend agreed to become my wife, and we've been together for 20 years now! 🥰

A friend of mine had just bought a very expensive apartment in Copenhagen together with his girlfriend. The papers were signed and the deal was closed. There are a few days where you can get out of the deal, and in that period my friend was told his girlfriend had been unfaithful. He didn't believe it at first, but the day after the deadline for getting out of the purchase, his girlfriend broke up!

I'm not saying women are worse than men, but the idea that men are more unfaithful than women is bullshit. There are more men than women in the relevant age groups, so obviously on average women have more sex than men do. That's simply a statistical necessity.

You have to consider a few things here. You're not the only one with social anxiety at that event. Your reaction is not to go in the first place (my MO as well) or to sit quietly hoping it shall pass with haste. Others talk too much. School reunions are such a rich vein for neurosis because you're guaranteed to be judged by your peers. Peers who knew you very well when you weren't a more well put together person yet. Few people behave like themselves there. So if the woman says she cheated a million times lol, her neurons may be on the fritz as well because she's more thinking about how she dunked Sharon's head in the toilet in freshman year or whatever. And that memory is haunting. And she's sitting just over there! WHY HASN'T SHE SAID ANYTHING? ... So you need to have a salt shaker handy for anything you hear.

Also, some people like attention and will say anything to get it. People like to construct a public persona around their worst character traits, the ones they're unable to change. It's like they're putting a cool leather jacket on, aviator shades too. To distract themselves from their inner monolog, which very well might be telling them what a piece of shit they are.

And cheating is common. In my social group I know of a handful of cases. Drunk and horny, sober and crushing - the motivations are on a scale. In some relationships these secrets never get revealed, in others they've made the bond stronger, others have broken up. I would say very few people brag about it but hey, we contain multitudes. Some people end up in an unhealthy game of hurt oneup(wo)manship. Relationships are hard fucking work.

It is also a different picture when you have children with your partner. The willingness to forgive infractions increases for the good of the children.

And while centuries of indoctrination of monogamy and loyalty to your spouse can make this hard to accept: some people make open relationships work. I think it's more often than not the last stepping stone to disaster but if you can make it work, vaya con dios. I have a hard time with it but I'm trying not to judge.

None of this needs to change how you feel about cheating though.

It seems fairly common. What seems to happen a lot is people get dissatisfied in their current relationship but don't want the drama or risk of breaking up.

For some odd reason it seems easier to meet people when you are already in a relationship so they take the opportunity to cheat while still staying with their stable partner.

I don't think I know anyone who's cheated. But I also hang out with a lot of polyamorous people, where cheating is possible but I feel like is less common.

I think infidelity varies, but one thing doesn't: people who cheat and have zero remorse are not trustworthy.

You may have had a crush, but it sounds like you got lucky by missing out.

The thought has never crossed my mind, and it would have never crossed the minds of anyone I know. I have no urge to cheat and neither does my partner. I have generally thought that it's a very unusual and uncommon phenomenon for someone to cheat, and I find it surprising how many people here think otherwise

I think the quote was "that's what high school was, cheating and bad lunches". Or something like that anyway. I never cheated. I don't think I ever got cheated on either. I think in junior and high school a lot of people are figuring themselves out and make a lot of mistakes. But I think if someone is bragging about it as an adult, that's just shitty.

I'm not sure what kind of infidelity happens in high school, but I suspect if someone cheated on me by kissing someone else while we were in high school, I wouldn't be upset, mostly because the nature of relationships in high school I don't think of as long lasting. I've never cheated nor been cheated on though.

Incredibly common. I haven't seen any recent estimates but I recall at one time that ~15% of children did not have the biological fathers than they thought they did. It's not to point the finger at women - rates of infidelity may be even higher among men, it's just harder to track independently.

I’ve been on both sides of it. While not super regular, I’d say it’s not uncommon. Discussing it openly isn’t.

My buddy went to Amsterdam and had the restraint to only get handjobs and has never otherwise gone behind his wife’s back. I’d be surprised if any of my other friends did anything. One couple has guests over for mutual threesomes, so no need for infidelity for them. I know my ex hooked up with another female despite knowing she had a bf. People are ok with lowering their standards when an opportunity presents itself.