Eat more fiber.

You can get a decent addon bidet for like $40

Okay so here's what you do.

After the preliminary clean get 2-3 squares of paper, stack them and fold the stack in half. The goal is to have something 4-6 sheets thick. Get it wet with cool water. Wipe gingerly.

When you can shower pat the area dry and apply some ointment. Basic antibiotic ointment (neosporin stuff) will work. Petroleum jelly if nothing else is available. You can also use coconut oil. You gotta moisturize your hole.

Expert mode: if you have a heater or even just a hair dryer use that to blast your asshole with warm dry air after the shower.

Now onto double extra mode: the next time you need to shit get a square of toilet paper and fold it into a little applicator patch. Put ointment on it. Massage it onto your asshole, a little bit inside even. Then take your shit.

Remember the rule: dry skin tears, moist skin stretches so stay hydrated and apply ointment.

And eat more fiber.

This post brought to you by Irritable Bowel Syndrome Gang

Finally a thread in which I can talk about my anal incontinence. Had a hemorrhoid last week, for the first time ever. It was so uncomfortable, felt like I was shitting out a xenomorph.

This huge lump had grown around the puckered lips of my asshole, covering the entire anus to the point where I couldn’t even find it.

Was prescribed some hydrocortisol cream and antiinflammatory meds.

Moral of the story: you have a hemmy, my friend. Eat fiber, wipe with baby wipes, maybe get prep H. Go see a doctor if you can.

my friend you really really need a bidet it's only 30 bucks. your home life will be completely turned around.

I am so tired of pooing. I eat the food — which I apparently need to live or something — and then I have to go put the food somewhere else an hour later, except it's brown and stinky. I eat the food, I go to a place to un-eat the food, I wash my hands, I leave, and then I have to eat MORE food. Guess where that food ends up! Not in me! I give the food to my body, and like a child it tosses it out and demands more. All hours of the day, all hours of the night, no matter what I'm doing, my life is interrupted by SHIT. Fuckin bullpiss!

You definitely need a bidet but also please eat more fiber and drink more water.

I seriously cannot overstate how good bidets are. Easy to install, and they go for $30 or less if you stick with a basic mechanical one.

bro get a bidet with a dryer built in you will feel like youve been a savage this whole time and it will solve your issues

Is this how Americans live?

try wiping with wet toilet paper OP. you obviously have to take care not to soak it, just damp. i've been doing this my whole life and my butthole is very clean. doesn't beat a bidet but it works, and you should be able to get clean with your current condition.

Nor wonder how I lost my Wits; Oh! Caelia, Caelia, Caelia shits!

Baby wipes?

(Do not flush. But to soothe the area I mean lol)

you should try a bidet (which seems like alot of people recommended), alongside with some small stepping stool next to your toilet for you to put your feet on when you poop - there is apparently some thing when if you have legs in a somewhat squatting position you can help pass poop

I just remembered i think i forgot to clean my hands, but my cat just climbed on top of my belly as i was writing this, rendering me functionally immobile

Assuming you're exaggerating a bit here, and don't need immediate medical attention, it sounds like you have haemorrhoids tbh. That would account for the endless wiping, soreness, and bleeding. Basically, you've blown out the muscles in your asshole from pushing too much. Have you tried eating fruit?

So there's this thing called insoluble fiber, and you need to eat it.

Get a bidet seat, but in the mean time, a portable bidet can be had from most drug stores or online for between $3 and $9.

I'm not sure if any of you read my inspired comment in the mega yesterday;

Yeah but we should go back to outhouses, seems like we took a step back from days were you'd have a tiny poop-house and a larger non-poop-house;

Support for you in this trying time, comrade. Also, psyllium husk supplement changed my life (specifically they changed my bowel movements from unpredictable and IBS-like to like 85% normal healthy bowel movements).

toilet paper is barbaric and should have been consigned to the past by now. i seriously don't know how anyone tolerates it, even the expensive stuff, i use soft wet flushable wipes but even then i will try to time my showering so it's after i take a shit. can't bear to not have a pristine ass. why should i be ok with one part of my body having shit on it? if i have to go outside and do anything being in that state is intolerable. barbaric.

I feel like I need to shit right now but when I go, fucking dick happens

I’m visiting relatives abroad and they have bidets which is a godsend, but when home, I just use the shower to clean my ass. Never went back to TP

Washing your doodoo ass gang stay winning