lmao, fantastic writing

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/onion-wins-alex-jones-infowars-bankruptcy-auction-rcna179936

No shit, it's not an onion article.

Jones announced the sale on X Thursday morning.

"I just got word 15 minutes ago that my lawyers and folks met with the U.S. trustee over our bankruptcy this morning and they said they are shutting us down even without a court order this morning," Jones said.

"The Connecticut democrats with The Onion newspaper bought us," he added.

One of the funniest things about this is that he can't just go start another company doing the same thing. Because he's a moron grifter, one of the cornerstones of his legal defense was that "Alex Jones" as depicted on InfoWars was a fictional character that he had created and been playing for years. He argued that since he was playing a character, he shouldn't be personally responsible for what he said on the show, as it had nothing to do with his own views--it would be like holding an actor liable for what they said in a film. His appearance, presentation style, and even name were all elements of this fictional character, and he trademarked them as such. InfoWars owns the trademark, which means The Onion now owns the concept of "Alex Jones, the blowhard conspiracy guy who presents weird right-wing conspiracy takes on current events loudly and aggressively." If he tries to go over to OAN or start a new site doing the same thing, The Onion can (and presumably will) sue him for IP infringement, and they'll likely win. Legendary levels of self-owning (well, not any more!).

Alex Jones deserves so much worse than what he's getting, but at least he will have a harder time spreading his bullshit going forward

As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase [gender] power and perhaps become immortal.

The Onion could capitalize well on this if they make satirical Alex Jones-style rants

The difficult part lies in topping the rants already occurring on InfoWars while still actually being satire (ie, not actually defaming or harming others)

Even fake news isn't immune to media consolidation.

Alex Jones is gonna be State Secretary anyway so I doubt this hurts him too much.

lol what if they do something insane with it like run a crazy story like idk… “they’re turning the frickin frogs gay”

Holy shit but actually. That is hilarious.

He's doing an "emergency broadcast" as he claims evil democrat agents are storming the control room right this moment.

They cut to the cameras inside the control room. Literally nobody but directors/td, sound, cg, etc. Just the people that are supposed to be there, lmao

I hope they make good use of the INFOWARS customer list.

infowars.com is officially shut down. I was watching it there to see it all unfold, and the website has officially been taken down. Stream is still up on twitter/other places, but the official site is gone.

I legit thought this was an onion articule

Lmao the hell

I never expected that

Now, give a job to Big Money Salvia to do an Alex Jones type show

FUCK YEAH